ok, here is 2 months worth of dairy

Sunday evening

Mhm, what a busy day.

Master admitted he had taken my pillow to feel close to me. I thought it was very sweet. I am not used to receive compliments or even be told that I am loved; or missed. It was usually communicated non-verbally. Master Owe is more vocal like that, but it is not all the time. So if he says something, I know he means it and it is nice to hear. I find it sometimes difficult to express myself, I usually respond. It is not for me to start a conversation unless it is important. I guess telling someone you love them is important. But still, I find it not easy to bring it up. I think I “talk” more through my actions.

After breakfast I was allowed to use the computer in the office to write my report about my trip for school. I had made notes while I was away and now needed to put it together. And my hand writing can be awful. I turned the automatic spell check off. I did not mean to pry, but the quote from the gardener to remove the trees and put a fence in was on top of the keyboard. I was shocked by the price and offered Owe to pay my half. He accepted it without a discussion. I sometimes feel bad about having the money, I did not work for it. But then I do feel I deserve it. I have come to terms with my situation, but I have days or moments when it bugs me. I get treated differently, even, especially, by Owe. Of course, we live together, he experiences it everyday. It influences his life as well. So I like to spend it.

I wrote my report in good time. I printed it out and gave it to Owe to read. He was cooking lunch and put it to the side to do it later. He asked me to have a look through a box of stuff he had sorted from the play room. There was a hood I took a fancy to, everything else we decided to throw away as it was really old, stiff and goodness knows what bodily fluids had been on it for years.

After lunch I tidied up. Owe has gotten better in the kitchen, he is not that messy any more. He made a fire in the kamin, it had started to rain and it felt cold and damp. He got my sleep sack out. I did not very much feel like it, but as soon as he started to close the straps I got into headspace and let myself drift and enjoy his experienced hands. He put the hood on me, which made it even more exciting. It took me a while to get comfortable, but then I had to stop myself from falling asleep. He sat next to me, reading, and rested his feet on me. From time to time he moved them and rubbed me with them. I cannot describe the feeling I get. It is different than meditation. Meditation is work. In the sleep sack, or bondage, my mind floats anyway. Sometimes I have to get back into me, when my muscles go numb, or it gets uncomfortable. Usually I stretch a little, as far as it is possible, and then I let go again. Often I do not get back to THAT head space, but it still is good.

When Owe came to talk to me I was far way. He said that Django was here, could he come in? I panicked a little. WHY??? In South River the dogs were used to me being in my sleep sack on the floor and they often snuggled up to me. That was very nice. I indicated it was fine, and I could hear – no feel – Owe bring Django over to me. I could hear him sniff me, and then he laid down next to me. Owe and Stine had a drink and a chat, but I was not even really aware of it. I came back when I noticed some commotion, Stine came to say goodbye to me. I could hear Owe walk around, probably tidying up. He came soon after to release me. By now I was ready. I had not been able to relax properly after the last interruption and my bladder wanted attention. Still, it took me a while to gather myself properly so I was able to get up and go to the toilet. I needed rather long and I had a quick wash as well. The hood had been nice but I had sweated and my hair was damp.

Owe had a shake ready for me when I joined him again. He had already brought the sleep sack back to his closet. We keep the straitjacket and the sack in his room, as it his decision when we use them.

I asked if we can keep the hood. He is not a fan of covering my face, which I quite like. But I do appreciate a hood. It gives a scene extra spice, sometimes. He said we can keep it, that is why he had given me the box to look through. We talked about the afternoon, he wanted to know how I felt about having had some visitors. I said it was ok with me, I guess he was a little uncomfortable? He answered he had found it quite normal. Wow. He has come a long way. Although he is a good Master with me, and has been quite open in certain situations, defending me and standing up for us, on the other hand he is very private. I see his point, in South River we were very open and it did cause, not problems, upset. Muggles are just not used to “us” being so open. Yes, porn is all over the internet, but who admits to watching it? Especially the “niche interest” stuff. I totally understand, we should not ram it down peoples throats. I, too, want to be able to choose what I watch, read, show an interest in. That is one reason why I do not like Pride. It has lost it's meaning. It is not so much about rights and acceptance, it is about showing off. I know there are the camp guys who cannot help being like that, but then there are some who put it on. Why?? You are making yourself a joke!

Yes, I do not mind telling people about my husband. But then I am proud of him as a person. If my partner was a woman, it would be the same. I wear my collar with pride, and if people ask me about it, I happily explain. Sometimes they ask more questions, sometimes they turn away. I take my clues from them. But I am more than happy to educate. Because only by education can we get rid of prejudice. I must admit, I can be prejudiced. I see a camp gay guy and I turn off. We have a camp Master at the club. His boy his a real guy. Of course one would think it is the other way round. They are a lovely couple and I have seen the Master discipling his boy for a misdemeanour. Wow.

So, anyway, time to go to sleep.

Monday

Well, back to normal. Master worked today and I had to do housework. I walked Django. He was pleased to see me. I guess he knew it was me yesterday. I woke Master this morning, but we did not have time for a blowjob. He had lunch at the hospital and I ate by myself. I checked the freezer and made a note of what I need to stock up again. I baked a cake for Master to take to the University tomorrow. He went to the gym after work, I had been earlier. I only did a light session. My attendance this year has been very sketchy. I did quite some work outs last week.

I prepared a light dinner for Master and me. As usual, I left him alone for a while after work. It felt nice to be at home. It was nice to know that I had cleaned the house ready for my Master and that he does not need to worry about it anymore. Well, not worry. But he does not need to consider it. He had said he kept it tidy, as I keep such good house, he did not want the standards to slip. How nice of him. I think I realise now, after being away for a week, and I enjoyed it!, but I feel so much more secure when he is around. I am calmer. I can relax. I know if I should get into one of my states, he knows how to deal with me. It was nice just spending the evening together calmly.

I have used the word nice a lot lately. But it is so appropriate!

Tuesday

Just a quick note. It was a busy, normal day. I woke Master and left for school. He took the cake with him. He was nervous and excited. I put it out of my mind, it is his life, his experience, it does not help either of us if I am nervous for him.

I had school and then had my lunch with some class mates in a park and then went to yoga. It was nice to see everyone again. Luckily I had done a bit of yoga this morning, after my gym session yesterday I was a bit sore. As usual I went to the Center and helped in the kitchen, where they were eager to hear about my trip as well. I should have just published it on the internet for everyone to read! But different people asked different questions, which was an interesting experience. It made me think about different aspects. Master had said he did not know if he would come, depending on his day. He had a late lecture. He did turn up, and we had a short catch up. He enjoyed the meditation after an eventful day. He went home during the break as he was overcome with tiredness. I offered to come with him, but he was adamant he wanted some time alone. He had some hot chocolate ready when I came home! He told me about his day and now we are in our rooms. He needs his space tonight.

I like that we have separate rooms. One, it makes being together more special. And I think we are both quite the personality who need a bit of space.

Wednesday

I woke Master, again, there was not time for our morning routine. It will be more special when we have time for it on Friday. I made him packed lunch. Apparently there is a canteen, but we do not know what it is like yet. He appreciates my lunches. The cake was welcomed yesterday.

I went to get my hair cut and then to the gym for a longer session, and then met with Ingrid at the library to do some study and have a chat. Again I had to tell all about Dalarna. She has this way to listen, that sometimes makes me doubt my perception of events. Or she asks a question that makes me reflect on it. It is her psychology training and she is not even aware she is doing it. On the way home I suddenly started to think about my resolution to let Master take control of my plug. There has not been the right time to bring it up. I started to doubt my thinking why I want him to do it. Of course, as my Master he should have control over it. It is an important part of our live together. If I had a normal functioning body, me wearing a chastity device would be more important than it is right now. It is not really about chastity. The belt is like a piece of clothing. So my plug is kind of my proper cb.

I had lunch at home, I cooked some risotto and put some into the freezer. It is much better freshly cooked, but it is ok for when you want something quick.

Master came home quite early. We had arranged to meet a contractor at the club. I am not sure why I have to be there, but he insists. I find negotiating contractor work boring. I often had to go with Robert when he was quoting for a job. I mostly stayed in the car.

The meeting was done quickly, it took us longer to get there and back! Ah well, at least we kept each other company on the train and we had a good chat. I sometimes wonder what people's perception of us is. I sometimes enjoy picking a person on the train and imagine where they are going, where do they come from, etc.

When we came home it had been very sunny and very warm, and I was quite hot. I really fancied a swim and asked for permission. Master said yes and I went for a short swim. It was pretty cold, even with my suit, but really refreshing. Master said I can go swimming on warm days, but he prefers I do it when he is at home. I understand that. I do not go out that far, I swim along the shore. Mostly I can feel the ground when I stand up.

As we both had a main meal at lunch time, we had a light dinner. Master then let me choose some restraints. I was tethered to the pole. It excited Master and when he had finished putting the restraints on he had an erection, which I duly took care of. So I did not have to wait until Friday! I still look forward to it, though. I had a happy hour at the pole. When he took me down, I would have liked a little longer, but it was ok. I think I sleep well tonight, all that exercise!

Thursday

Just our usual? NOOO. Well, it started as usual. I had school and did my presentation about my trip. Everyone was interested to hear. Most of my class mates almost only know Stockholm. I am the only one who came here to live with a native, so have Swedish relations.

I met with Sabine before yoga and we had lunch together. We had a good session at yoga. I went for a coffee with the girls afterwards. We have not done that for a while. I knew Master would be at University all afternoon. He ate there again, so I did not have to worry too much about food.

He had just come home before I came home. He was ok with me being so late. We enjoyed a drink together in the garden and then he mowed the lawn. I did some homework.

After a light dinner he took me to the playroom. I almost thought, oh no, you are ruining my Friday morning! It was a bondage only session, which was great. Short, but intense. He wants me in his room tonight, in the cage. I am getting my bedding together. But I am still a bit hyper from the bondage so I thought I write a quick diary entry to sort my head.

Friday

I slept well in the cage last night. I felt so calm. I must have fallen asleep quickly I did not even hear Owe come to bed. It was a privilege this morning to lie in bed and listen to him breathing. I did not get up early to do yoga , I wanted to enjoy his energy. I can tell by him moving and his breathing when he is waking up. So I got up and did my routine. We took it slow and it was special. Wednesday was kind of rushed, he was horny and wanted to get off. Today I had to start him off and we enjoyed it as the intimate, bonding experience it can be.

We had breakfast, tidied up. I had to clean myself, and then we went to the gym. We both have slightly different routines, so we do not stick together. And Master often likes to go to the sauna afterwards. I went shopping for some lunch while he was still at the gym. We came home together and I started cooking. Master did some preparation for his course. We had a quiet day, I have been good not to talk too much since I came home. Only when he addresses me or I really need to ask something. Or during dinner.

I left for yoga and then met Master at the townhouse. We had been invited for dinner with P/L. It was a smorgasboard. Lasse is a good cook. We had a good evening together, we had not spend much time together lately. I miss not having them downstairs.

Saturday

It was a normal day, shopping, library, lunch at home. I went swimming after a suitable time after lunch and afterwards we lay in the sun in the garden. I considered bringing up the matter of him controlling my plug, but somehow it did not feel right and I hesitated. He was in a good mood and I did not want to ruin it by a serious talk. Or am I just having second thoughts? I started wearing a plug as Robert was into it. He would often tell me in the morning which plug to put in. I mean, I like it, as it somehow makes me feel normal. Yeah, that is almost an oxymoron, I know. But I like the feeling when I push it out. I like it trains my muscles. I am – most of the time – not even aware of it anymore, my muscles quite automatically close around it. So yes, it is of benefit to Owe and me, as it makes my ass tight. It is actually quite useful for my situation, as my body produces mucus to line the gut to help push stuff out, and I have to expel the mucus every other day or so. I can control my muscles quite well to do that. Some people need help to do it, either by finger or one can get special tools. It is also useful when I have my check up, as they stick a camera up my hole. I do not need medication to help me relax. But then I guess having a dick up my hole regularly helps.

Tonight we had some bondage, I was secured to the post, but still able to read. I like bondage in very day life. Robert had a penchant for it, although his bondage was often far more restrictive. It gave him pleasure to watch me try to clean the house whilst restrained. Sick, some would think. I enjoyed the challenge, mostly, but it gave me satisfaction that it made Robert happy. My relationship with Owe is quite different. Yes, he likes to see me in bondage, but he does not do it for his pleasure. He considers me more. Right. Do not start to think, time for sleep!

I did not write yesterday, as it turned into a play room session and I did not feel like writing afterwards. We had fun in bed in the morning. I like sex in the morning, when you are refreshed and full of energy. Master wanted to be fucked. It took me a while to get hard. I managed to switch off and just be in the moment and concentrate on pleasuring my Master.

We went to Gamla Stan for lunch and did the tourist shops. We came home with some baked goods and ate it here. As I said, the evening we spent in the play room. I got fucked, which was very very good. He is so skilled! We had quite some bondage as well, I noticed it this morning when I did my yoga. That is one reason I started it, to be flexible!

Today I had a busy day, I kept myself busy. I took Django out for a short walk. He kept turning around, wanting to go home. He is a strange dog!

Tonight we just watched some tv. After being at home most of the day, I was a bit restless. Master has been a bit stricter since I have come back, I am not sure if he is aware of it. It is subtle things. His tone. The confident way he closes the straps. His posture. I think it has to do with him going back to work and being a person of authority there and getting the respect. It boosts his confidence.

Usual Tuesday. School, lunch in town, yoga, center. Master wants to test the food at the University. He made it to the Center in good time and we found a quiet corner again. Goodness, do other people have so much sex like we do? If you check on the internet, some other gay guys do. Well, it was not sex, but we got pretty close. I have not thought about the plug issue, I do not want to force it. I guess it was one of these fads.

So, this morning I sent Master off to university. I then went to the gym and met Ingrid for a tuition session at the school. I considered asking her for a private chat, but this is something I have to figure out by myself. I have tried to come up with a more detailed plan what I want Master to determine in regards to my plug. What if he said I should be plug free most of the time and we only use it for play? He knows me only with it in, it was my thing. Is he even interested to have control? He has to think about so much already. Although I am here to make his life easier, I have also made it more complicated. Will the “responsibility” be welcome? I guess, If I am truthful, I do not want to give it up. The control. But I should at least offer it to him! He owns me, he is in charge! But if I offer, that means I think I own the right to control it anyway. That is one thing that I am struggling with, how do I word it? Ideally I hint at it, and he starts the conversation. Mhmhmhm. What to do.

Master came home in the afternoon. He was charged from a good day and he wanted to use that energy. He put me into some restraints, but I was still able to move. We tried some different positions utilising areas in the house. It was serious, and it was fun. Muggles, you are really missing out! We got to know each other on a new level. I once asked the older M/s couple how they manage, as they live so far from the next village and sometimes do not see people for some weeks, especially in winter. They said, they try to come up with new stuff all the time. They do role play, utilising famous novels and their characters. Interesting! Over dinner the plug issue popped into my head and I had to to work to push it back into a drawer in my brain. I have to get this resolved, Owe sometimes looks at me as if he knows something is bothering me.

Thursday, I had school and lunch in town, then went to yoga and met with the girls afterwards for a drink. Master called me, he had to stay on to correct the test he had devised for the students that day. He had planned to bring it home and do it over the weekend, but apparently he cannot take stuff off site! He was gonna call me again once he is close to home so I can get dinner ready. He had eaten at the University, the staff restaurant is apparently very good.

He was tired after correcting the tests and we went for a drink after dinner. It was a quiet, normal day.

Thank you for inventing sleep sacks! We cleared the flat today of our last stuff. Some is going to charity tomorrow, some stuff we threw away. Mats is bringing the bed over tomorrow. We are exchanging it for the one upstairs. I thought I had emotionally finished with the flat, but it still comes up. Master noticed I was dealing with it and put me into my sleep sack back here at the house. I was able to get into head space and got nicely relaxed. Master touched me sometimes, but to be honest, I barely noticed it. I was soo floating. I think he noticed as he got quite rough with me to get me back and out. I am sleeping in his room tonight. I am quite awake now, I hope it does not take me long to feel sleepy. I had quite a busy day, with gym, tuition with Ingrid and yoga.

We had to be at the flat early so no time for our morning routine. I woke Master and we had a shower in his room, which was nearly as nice. The guys from the charity arrived just after us, and luckily Per and Mats were around to move their cars so that the van could park. Between us we got everything done quickly. It looks so cold so empty. The colored walls were not helping. Maybe he had just picked the wrong shades? They were even more horrible now.

I left as soon as we had it done, I was overwhelmed by it again. I am going to give it the once over just before they move in, so I will have to deal with it again!

I went shopping and had a drink with Sabine. Sometimes it is a shame she does not want to talk about kink, I am sure she can give me a good perspective.

I went home by myself, Master had gone to the gym, sauna and then did some shopping with the list I had given him in the supermarket. He came home shortly after me. I cooked lunch and then made a cake, ready for Mats and Sahid to come over later with the bed.

We had a nice afternoon with them. Their relationship has evolved, they are more secure with each other and it is nice to see another happy couple. Although it was a “vanilla” afternoon, their M/s mood came through and it was nice to be around that. I had always enjoyed that when we were with another couple, or even at the Munch, in Canada. We can be us.

Master tidied up while I went swimming and then he had a bath ready for me. He came in with me and we of course had some action. Now I am tired.

Oh, it did take me quite a while to go to sleep yesterday. I was just dozing off when Master came in. He tried to be quiet. I enjoyed the feeling it gave me. Secure. Calm. Safe. I dropped off immediately afterwards.

So, how much am I going to write about this? We had a busy day talking, soul searching, trying to sort our live – yet again. It was long overdue. Since I have come back. Actually, since I had that outburst after my mother's visit. It started normal, we had some time in Master's bed. It rained this morning, I always like that. When you do not feel guilty for not getting up and start the day, just lie there, touch each other, talk a little, maybe sex, starting slow. I feel sorry for couples who have kids, who are rushing, listening out for the kids. So, after that we had a quiet breakfast. Master is not a morning person, and to be honest, I quite like it. Just being together. I like breakfast, I like the tastes.

I did some homework. I found myself an article in the paper and worked on that. Master checked it for me. He thinks I am getting better. Maybe I should keep it up after school. He cooked us lunch. He is a very good cook. I appreciate being cooked for.

In the afternoon Master wanted to go out, we went to a different park. It was still quite wet from the morning and we just walked. He held my hand. I went into total boy space. Master wanted to talk to me. O.K.

Actually, I do not want to go into detail. He brought up that there was an atmosphere and it could not go on, or we ended up like last fall. I knew we had to have this talk, but I was not prepared for it. He asked me some questions which I could easily answer. So that was good. Then he gave one of his speeches. It was good for him to open up. He went right back to me coming over and us starting to live together. I mean, he had a point. Although he did give me some rules, what he expected, we kind of fell into it. In the end it was a good talk and it will make life better. We constantly have to review what we are doing. Master has been through a roller coaster with his life in the last 2 years; well, so have I. So, actually, it was good to have that talk. We came home and looked at our diary and kind of planned the next few weeks. We will be busy, lots of stuff going on with the town house, here, at the club. I got a bit anxious about it all, but managed to calm myself down. No point in getting anxious.

I prepared dinner, I found that relaxing. Over dinner we talked a bit more. Just casual though. I told him a few stories about my childhood. He told me some of his, as I had mentioned that people at the bonfire had remembered him. I even recalled some names. I have seen photos of him as a child, but somehow I cannot imagine him so young. He is my Master, and I want to know him as that. As if it will undermine his authority. Silly.

Another week over again? Where does it go? When does it happen?

After a week of using bags as my life schedule did not fit in with my body schedule I cleaned myself today. It was a bit of hot and miss, as my body had to get used to it.

It was a nice, sunny, breezy day so I washed our bedlinen and towels and had them dry in the garden within a couple of hours. I cleaned the windows at the front of the house. Doing them all in one day is too much. Master said we can get someone in to do it, but I prefer not to have someone come round. While I was out front our new neighbors turned up, they had a meeting with a contractor or so. They wanted to talk about the fence, I referred them to Master. I told them to call tonight and that is what they did. Master has arranged to meet with them, the contractor and gardener on Friday, if all confirm. The work is going on at the club, he went on Friday to check on it. I think he will be glad once that is all ready. He is more an intellectual guy, not good with dealing with contractors.

Master went to the gym after work, he says he likes a work out after all the bad air in the hospital.

I made him a drink when he came home and he enjoyed just walking in the garden and the sunshine.

We had dinner outside. As it was quite cool, I had made a fire. It was nice and warm and romantic and one thing led to another and now my back is sore as I was on the table. We should have done it the other way round, but he likes to see me. If our neighbors were outside, I guess they heard us. I was so into it, I could not help it. Master had taken my belt off and I had a good, strong erection and a huge orgasm. Still, I felt full of energy and when Master ordered me to get some rope and the hood, I was truly happy. He left the hood off while he did the knots. Then he did some more. I was well wrapped, and I felt very happy. One, I had gone off. Second, being restrained. Thirdly, I was able to please my Master. Not necessarily in that order. He put the hood on me once he had finished with the ropes and left me on the floor. I could feel him walking around. I like that, not knowing what is going on, but totally trusting and being safe. I guess I kind off go back into the womb.

When Master came and undid some ropes I was disappointed. He told me he was going to fuck me again. He had some lube and asked if I was in a comfortable position, which I was. It was important, not only to make it comfortable, but if my passage is not easily accessible, he could damage me. He was slow at first. Oh god, it was so good. I could not stop myself again, and having the hood on made it even better! I felt so under his spell, but it was soo good for me, too.

He needed a little rest before he undid my ropes, I needed to go. He took the hood off first, which was good. There is a point when it suddenly becomes uncomfortable. If your Master decides to leave it on though, it is a good experience as well. When you have to deal with it. Fight the urge to take it off. When I have to submit. He was so sexy, still lounging around naked when I came back from the toilet. He put my belt back on. I briefly considered bringing up my plug. Which I still have not put back in yet, by the way. Anyway, it needs a clean. I remembered to get it before I went to bed, it was on the floor on the patio. Well, I am tired. Long day tomorrow.

My eyes are falling closed, but I want to write it down. Nothing special happened today. I had to wake Master, twice! He usually gets up with his alarm when I have school. Well, I guess he was tired after last evening! I still have not put my plug in, I cleaned it thoroughly last night, but want to clean it again. I kind of felt it today, being unplugged. I felt uncomfortable, how is that !

In the rush this morning Master forgot his keys! We had to leave before me and I found them on the table. He had said he might not come tonight, so I phoned him. He is usually in theatre, and as I did not get a reply after I had left a message on his phone, I called the hospital. I guess I could have just dropped them off. Anyway, he phoned me and I took the call and we arranged to meet for lunch. I had never met him for lunch at the hospital. I was there earlier and as I had to go to yoga and do not want to do my exercise on a full stomach, I ordered and started before he came. He was delayed, anyway. The food looked really good and they had quite a range of dietary requirements. Well priced as well. I guess if I had waited for Owe, I would have had the staff discount, but I was happy to pay full price. It was very nice! I had only a little for my dinner. I made a comment about the choice, they even have halal food, and how difficult it must be to devise a menu. Master said he had never thought about it.

Well, I went to yoga and then the center. After we had cleaned the kitchen and had our dinner, a colleague and I laid in the sunshine in the garden. Master found us there and dropped off immediately. I let him sleep and got the room ready. He woke by himself, he said the lawn was quite hard. We had a tea at home, but we are both quite tired.

I like his new attitude! I am, of course talking about Owe. He is not as horny this spring, his energy is used to put me into bondage. I enjoyed tonight, but I think I am ready for a little break now.

I went to the gym, met with Ingrid for tuition, cooked myself some lunch, took Django out. I was busy today. Master went to the gym after work, so I was alone most of the day. I am getting used to it. I am kind of really looking forward to him coming home, and then I have to restrain myself as he likes to have some time alone, and I am not to overwhelm him. I am like a puppy that has been at home all day and wants some attention. I went swimming before dinner. It was energising, but then the endorphins dropped and I was quite tired. Master put me into my jacket and into the cage. It was some work to find a comfortable position and keep my muscles flexed and relaxed. This was not float away bondage, this was work-at-it bondage. This was: Your Master is in charge, deal with it!

It was a long day today, I am going to bed early. I will be quite glad when I finally have the exam, I am getting sick of studying. Today we all kind of did things we think we need more help with. I feel quite confident now that I can tackle the essay. I have my structure, I can time it. Of course there is more vocabulary, but then I know enough words to get by everyday. Grammar is something I need to work at. Swedish grammar is quite complicated. I am just glad that my uncle had not moved to French speaking Canada. Maybe I would not have stayed then and my life would have turned out totally differently. I came straight home after yoga today. I was there just before Master. I went swimming again today. Just a short one. I had a nice hot shower afterwards. Master snuggled

with me afterwards, he said I smell good. I like to lean into his body, he is all muscle.

Oh, it's late. We have just come from the club. We went a bit earlier as Martin wanted to update Master about some plans for the summer. The work is all done, it has improved the look so much!

This morning I woke Master with our routine and it was very nice. We did not have much time in the morning all week, so this was nice. Even if we had our sessions in the evenings, mornings are different. Master went to the gym early, I went a bit later. For one I had to clean myself today. I did not want to go into town and then come home and then go in for yoga. Which was cancelled, as our instructor was taken ill and they did not have a replacement! I did not mind, as Fridays is not such a regular group anyway and I often do not feel that comfortable. With swimming in the summer, and what I do at home, the Friday session has become a bit of a bother. And I do not have time to spend with Owe. Though he had his own agenda today, he met with Stephan for lunch. Then we had the contractors here with the meeting with our neighbors. It became quite a detailed discussion. I got anxious and had to leave. I am just not good about having building work around me. I think it is the experience of nearly being raped almost 2 years ago at the house here as well. I went upstairs, as everyone was on the patio and my windows go out on the patio. I came downstairs just in time to say goodbye. I tidied up and I sensed Master wanted to talk about it to me, but he left it. Thank you! I really did not want to analyze it, it would have sent me off again. I had just about managed to get over it. To be honest, writing about it now I am on edge again. I have been kind of on edge all afternoon, I managed to push it aside at the club. I went swimming, that helped as well. Master was very sweet to me. We both had good chats with people at the club. We received good comments about the outside.

We have been invited to meet Sven and his boy. I am very curious to meet him. Sven changes when he talks about him, like I have never seen it before. I think he has found his partner!

This morning I did my yoga and meditation and then woke Master. I was not in the mood, I had not slept that well. I had a bad dream. Master was ok with it. I confessed to him I had not slept well. He did not ask for details, which I was grateful for. I should tell him. Anyway, I have not got much time, I am sleeping in his bed tonight and was just supposed to get my bedding and then go to bed. He wants an early night. We had our usual Saturday, we met with P/L in town. Lasse wanted my help to buy a present for Per. I needed to translate. This afternoon Master helped me with some homework, he makes a good teacher. Tonight he asked me to sit on the sofa, and then he got out some restraints. I had to sit on the edge, and my hands were secured to my feet. It was surprisingly comfortable. Until he stroked my lower back, which gives me sensations in my pelvic area. He stopped just in time. Shame?

So, I talked to Master this morning. It was nice waking up with him. I had done yoga and then came back to bed with some hot drinks for us. It was raining again and we enjoyed just being together.

I told him what had triggered my anxiety and how grateful I am for him not needing to talk about it.

He said he had to restrain himself, but he had realised it was the analysing everything issue, and I would come to him if I needed his help to get over it. He asked me if I would consider professional help, if I am still struggling with it so much. I am not sure how they can help. It is totally irrational.

I know it was a fluke event. There will be more than one person around, and who would dare to do something? In hindsight, I should have reported that guy. If he was willing to do that to me, knowing his colleague could come back any moment, who else will he rape? But then I think, maybe he would have gotten off with a caution, and has the “freedom” to do it anyway.

I just have to deal with it, maybe having to deal with it and having a positive experience will make it better. I am concerned about the noise and the mess as well. Funny, I never had a problem when I helped Robert. But then we did quite small jobs. And being involved was probably it.

I made some cakes and cooked lunch. Master was a bit restless, so we went out this afternoon. We took a train to it's last stop and walked around the neighborhood for a bit. We came back and went for a drink at our pizza place. S/T/D were there, Django hardly acknowledged us. S/T and Master were talking about hospital stuff, apparently there are lots of rumours and gossip. I kind of switched off. I managed to be alert enough, when Stine asked me a question, I had actually listened.

Master is reading now and I am writing. I have read what I have written the last 2 weeks or so. I rarely do that, writing my diary is a kind of closure for me, and reading it back sometimes surprises me what I wrote, sometimes it makes me think too much.

Yesterday we spoke with BandE, they have booked their tickets. I am very much looking forward to them coming. I can show B my appreciation for sending me here.

I had a talk with a female slave on Friday, she wanted my advice, as an experienced slave! She is an executive in a good position, so she likes to be at home and shed that persona and be a slave. But lately she felt it had gotten dull, she felt she was not appreciated at home. I thought that is how most women feel anyway. I said to her that is life. And she needs to talk to her husband. Maybe to take some time out, it helped Master Owe and me. I do not think I was much help, but she texted me earlier, saying her and her husband talked and she feels much better. Great.

I felt a bit sad today to send Master off to work. I cleaned the windows on the other side of the house. It gave me something to do. I walked Django and then had him here with me. He slept a lot. He was dreaming very lively. Once he woke up and barked a lot. I think he was disorientated. I came over and spoke to him and gave him the opportunity to sniff me. He calmed down. We played a bit together, but he lost concentration soon. I lay down with him for a bit. I had forgotten how good that can be. I drifted off. I pulled myself together, I felt guilty for being lazy. I did some homework. I took Django back and waited until he had settled. How sad must it be if you have a loved one suffering from dementia.

Anyway, Master come home from hospital full of news and fired up. I am glad it is working out for him. He likes doing the 4 days. And not doing shifts. I like it too.

He tested me on some vocabulary I had been studying in the afternoon. He restrained me to the pole. I like to involve bondage with everyday stuff, sometimes. I did well and as a “reward” I was allowed to blow him. We had a good time. Funny, I am in my room, in my chair. I am looking at the cell and I am glad I am sleeping in there today. I like being in the cell. It reinforces my status. I am a slave. Through choice. I do not want it any other way. My Master allows me enough independence, I have my friends, muggle friends. I have my life “outside”. But I am always at home, looking forward to go home and be submissive. Enough musings. He switched the light in the hallway on and off, signal for me to go to bed. See, that's great. He even controls that!

Usual Tuesday. School is stressing. We try not to let it get to us, but the pressure is on. Our teacher is confident we will all pass with good marks, she said it has been a joy to teach such a motivated group. I wonder how my first class group has gotten on.

We had a good yoga session. Kitchen duty was fun. They have a monk from Tibet as a guest for 3 months. He led meditation. He had to do it in English, that was strange.

I woke Master and then went to the gym later. I met with Ingrid for a tuition session. I have asked for some exercises to do grammar and she had pages for me to do! I went to the library and had some lunch at home. I did a bit of the home work. I walked Django. Master came home a bit later, he had gone by the town house on his way home. We had dinner together and a catch up. Tonight he wants to relax, I have done some more homework. It is quite tricky stuff, supposed to confuse you.

It is Friday. I did not get a chance to write yesterday evening. I upset Master and he punished me. All I did was a bit of back chat. He wanted me to have a session in the sleep sack, apparently I was fidgety. He thought I would benefit. I thought I was not very wound up, and did not think a session in the sleep sack was appropriate. He gave me a look and I agreed. In the end it was nice. I slept in the cage last night, but that had been “agreed” earlier. As a punishment for answering him back I got muzzled for the night. I woke up a few times and was VERY tempted to take it off at one point. I thought I wake up early and put it back on again. But I did not dare. He would have known. Probably as I would have felt guilty and confessed. Earlier that day it had been so nice. It was a normal Thursday, he went off to work, I went to school, came home, had something to eat and then to yoga. I did some shopping afterwards. At the bus stop I bumped into Master. We were not expecting to meet, and he was genuinely pleased to see me, as was I. He kissed me passionately, it was not my thing, but I went with the moment. We came home, had some dinner and I did some homework. We have been given a group presentation to do and we met this afternoon to plan it. I guess I was already planning the group work in my head and was a bit anxious?

When I woke this morning I did not do yoga, I could not breathe that well with the muzzle on. I woke Master by gently calling him, he took me to bed. He fucked me while I was still muzzled, I quite like that. I think he liked it too, he was ...forceful. We had a shower together, of course he took the muzzle off then. I served him, which he handled well, taking it for granted. As long as he does not expect high service all the time, I could not do that. And he does not want that, but we enjoy it on an occasional weekend. I went to the gym while he stayed at home. He said he had had his work out. He has been a few times this week. I stayed in town all day, after yoga I met with my class mates in the library to work on our project. We made good progress, but in the end they asked us to leave as they were closing.

I phoned Master to say I was on my way home. He had dinner ready. He was a bit angry with me as I had not eaten since lunch time. I usually have an afternoon snack, even if it is just a juice.

I was expecting another punishment after a suitable time after having a meal, but he was fine. We just watched some television and he played with my nipples. He likes that, I do not care for it. I have to be in the mood.

Well, well. We are in Vimmerby. Master suggested this morning over breakfast we go away for the weekend, as it is a long weekend. He has Monday off and is working Friday instead.

We decided to hire a car and we have come to Vimmerby to see Astrid Lindgren country. It is busy here, as a lot of people have holidays, but we managed to get a room at the hotel. We had a leisurely drive down here, I did most of the driving, while Master read the map and gave me instructions. It took me a while to get back into driving, and it is a strange car. But then I really enjoyed it. I had not realised how much I miss it. We had dinner in the hotel restaurant. Tomorrow we want to go the theme park. We have a twin room. At dinner I wondered what other people thought about us. Are we just friends, are we a couple? Surely they decided we are a couple. 2 straight men would NOT go to an Astrid Lindgren theme park, surely? Luckily it is my day “off” tomorrow.

We had a lovely day, it was sunny, but not too warm. We were not the only adults, I mean adults only visitors. The stories are very famous in continental Europe, specially Germany. That is one reason why so many Germans holiday in Sweden. We had a good lunch in one of the restaurants and had a snack in the bar tonight at the hotel. We had a drink and now we are planning on a little session. Master brought some restraints and rope. Yesterday we did go to sleep in one bed, but I moved to the other one later. I got too hot, and Master is used to having a large bed to himself, so he takes up a lot of space.

We are back at home. I had brought bags with me and we had to stop at a rest stop so I could change. Not very nice!

We took smaller roads today and just enjoyed the countryside. We came home in the afternoon. After sitting so much, Owe fancied some exercise and suddenly wanted to go swimming!

We came to the local public pool as the lake is too cold without a neoprene suit. I got a few looks as I was wearing mine. I felt more comfortable in that, than showing off my scars. Although they are barely visible now. I know they are there. And I have to cover my stoma with a special cover, which I do not need if I wear my suit.

Maybe I should write a little more about the emotional side. Owe is still a bit stricter with me, which I like. But then we were also just a normal couple, specially when we are around muggles. We were not very physical in public. Owe enjoyed reminiscing about his childhood and watching the stories on tv. I hardly know him as a child, and cannot imagine him as a little boy. Honestly, I do not care. I know him how he is now and I like this person. I somehow feel, if I know too much about him as a little boy, maybe I loose respect for him. He wanted to get away as we have kind of been in a rut. Have we? It is just 4 weeks since I came back from Dalarna. We have – hopefully – 40 more years in front of us. Life is boring. But it was very nice to get away for a weekend. And now I am glad to be home again. I love him very much and respect him.

Well, so much about the emotional side. It was normal, and then it was special. He surprises me, first with the trip, then with the gear. He loves me. He likes to have someone to boss around. All is good.

I had no school today, I took the car back to the rental place. I made them check the car over while I was still there. I am quite a person who knows their own mind when I am on my own. But then I like to give in when I am around Owe and let him take the lead.

I met with my group to finish our project. I told them about my weekend, they were a bit jealous of it. I am very lucky, we have enough money, a secure job, somewhere secure to live. Some of my class mates come from countries where there was war. We in the West just cannot imagine how life in the 2^nd or 3^rd world is like.

I came home to have lunch, went to yoga, then to the center. I had some time by myself before meditation started. I just sat and counted my blessings. It had been a good day and I wanted to enjoy that feeling. I miss Robert. I feel sad that he had to die so young. But then I believe we have our path planned, and it is determined when we die.

Huh, better go to bed.

I woke Master and sent him off to work. It is a National Day today. It feels strange. I did some homework. I offered to take Django but the boy did it. I went for a swim and made a cake.

Master rang me from work, he had had a tough day and wanted some space. We arranged to meet in the park near the hospital and our old home. I took a flask of coffee and the cake. Master enjoyed that very much. We still had some dinner, just bread and salad and smoked fish. I am getting used to a few smoked fish dishes. I cannot get used to cheese out of the tube, though. It does not agree with me, but Master loves it. He said he really missed it when he was in Boston. His father missed the very dry bread one can get here, Trude used to send it to him when he was in Singapore. Now it is popular in the States with the organic movement. He says it still does not taste the same. It took me some time to get used to the bread here. There is so much variety!

Tonight we just sat and read. I sat on the floor, Master had a leg over my shoulder. I sometimes leant my head against his knee, and he put his hand through my hair. I like these moments.

I left for school just after Master went to work. We had our presentation at first, my teacher knows about my anxiety attacks and let us go first. It went well, our hard work planning it was worth it. The other groups did well as well. We all received good marks. I am glad for my class mates, I know it was an important experience for them. All basically have secured their places at University, doing the exam is almost a formality. But if it goes wrong, they can be refused. People asked what I am going to do after the summer. I am not sure. I definitely want to do something. I talked with Master about it today. He said Ingrid will be helpful to find a suitable course for me. And there might be a chance to do more at the Center. I do not know if Stine and Torben would have another dog. Or maybe we can have one ourselves?

I went to yoga and came home afterwards. Most people had to go home. Master went to the gym after work, so was home later. He still liked a tea and a peace of cake with it.

We had some time together, just cuddling on the sofa. He is working tomorrow, so did not want to be up too late.

Well, I missed having Master around today. I went to the gym. I had a review with a trainer, my schedule is all over the place. We decided to not really have a schedule, but there are a few things I want to concentrate on, and he told me exercises I can do and how I should mix it up. I noticed on Monday how fit I am really, the swimming in the lake helps. The water in the pool was calmer, as hardly anyone was there. I did quite a few lengths then. It felt good. I always liked swimming, it clears my head. I cooked some pasta for lunch and there was enough that I made a salad for tonight. It had nicely marinated, Master was very pleased with it.

He had quite an experience today, I nearly had a baby named after me! Sadly it was a girl. Read Owe's account of it, it is his story to tell. I massaged his hands with some cream. He enjoyed that. I sometimes did that for Barbara. We once tried me doing her nails. She did not often wear make up, but she went to an event. Next time she went to a salon. It is not me, such girlie stuff.

What an eventful day. It was just a week ago that we went to Vimmerby. Such happy times!

No, it was a happy day today as well. I woke Master with our routine. We have not had intercourse since last Friday morning! This is a long time for us! I gave him a blow job, and I am happy with that. I would like intercourse, but I do not want a quickie. We had breakfast and then Master went to the gym. I had to clean myself and went later to do shopping. He came home in the late morning. He sat down to read the paper and I cooked lunch. Afterwards Master read and I did some studying. He tested me on some vocabulary. Spelling in Swedish is quite complicated. No wonder English is the international language, it is so easy! Later I went to take Django for a walk. He was nervous and we had a few frackas with other dogs. He has always been a very friendly dog, today he seemed afraid. He did not really leave my side. We used to throw balls or frisbee, he does not fancy that any more.

It was a popular time to walk dogs and there were quite a few around. Most are familiar with Django, quite a few know that he has had difficulties. So if there

is a problem with the dogs fighting, they were not surprised. Stine has told us the boy finds it a struggle to deal with Django's changing moods, that us why I took him out today. When we came back to the house he barked at some furniture. As if he had not seen it and was angry at it for being in his way. I made him have a drink and some food. Then he laid down and went to sleep. I waited for a while until I was sure he was ok.

When I came home Master made me a shake. He then sat me down and told me about Dog. I am shocked. I have cried. It is so sad. But then it is soo him. I am glad we had that week together. I hate loved ones dying in my absence! I have had enough of that!

I have done some study and am now writing my diary. We had a quiet evening yesterday. We were both sad about Dog. I had considered phoning Trude to express my condolences, but then decided it was too upsetting. I will speak to her later in the week.

Master went to the gym this morning, he did not like it. He said it was very busy. We took a taxi to Sven's house. He lives in the north part and we need to change trains, and take a bus to get there. We had lunch there and had some coffee and cake for dessert. His “boy” is actually older than him! He was quite shy at first, but we got talking and he asked me lots of questions. He wanted some advice from me, how to be submissive etc. I said to him, you cannot learn that from a book or from others.

It is a journey you have to figure out with your Master. Everyone has their own expectations and what they like and dislike. Yes, there are a few general “rules”, or one can give advice if someone is struggling mentally. I have, and I have asked for and taken advice. But in the end, it is very personal.

I have a feeling we will not see him at the club very often, it is a very personal experience for him.

I found going to the Munch for the first time very daunting, and then to the club here. But everyone made me feel very welcome. No-one bats an eyelid because one is dressed in leather, or in a harness, or not. Your outfit does not matter. I always felt newcomers were very welcomed as it shows that more people think it is ok. One does not have to hide the fetish. Admit it, be open. There are more people out there living it than want to admit. If more people were as open, it would be more accepted. Normal. I was thinking about it on the way home. We took public transport home, we both fancied the exercise. Master asked me if I was ok, I was so quiet. Ph, now he complains I am too quiet! I told him I was fine, just being a good slave. He looked at me as if to say: You just say that to annoy me!

It is one of these games we play. I like those. We have our secret language. Well, I am a hypocrite!

I just kind of complained that people are not more open about their fetish, and now I am proclaiming my love of our secret! I must confess, I sometimes like the feeling when I think about us when we are in public. I think that we are special, and no-one knows about it or realises how exciting it is to be in a Master/slave relationship, secretly. Does this make sense? It excites me to have a secret. But then, I do not know anything about these people, they maybe have a fetish secret themselves. Maybe that man over there thinks”ha, no-one knows that I am wearing girls pants and a pantihose and it makes me feel sexy!” But with people I know I want to tell. I usually do not unless they ask, or show an interest. Because hardly anyone asks. They do not want to be seen as probing, or asking an awkward question. Yeah, it is a fine balance. That is why I quite like writing the blog, I can put stuff out there, and people can make the choice if they read it. And there are lots of people who want to read it! I am sure they do it secretly. Sometimes I wish I knew more about our readers. We have a few people who regularly comment, and we have kind of a relationship with them. I know some of the Toronto club read it as they know me and find it is a way of keeping in touch. Barbara has commented how people sometimes talk to her about me, and she has forgotten that I write the blog. She does not read it. We talk.

Oh, I better finish. Master wants some time with me.

Well, Master and I have just come back from the pizza place where we had a drink. I had a small cider. It is quite sweet and I get easily drunk. Ingrid came to the house today and we did some study. We had fika when Master came home from work. He had gone by the house after work to inspect the painting. I had been at home all day, with housework, Ingrid coming round. I fancied a walk and Owe did too. We had quite some time in the play room yesterday. It took me a while to switch head

space, from studying vocabulary to bondage. Master suggested we combine it, and for every spelling mistake I get a swipe with the cane. We made it a bondage only session.

Ingrid drove me hard today, but then we had a nice chat afterwards. She knows very well how to treat me. I like having an extended fetish family. I sometimes miss that. Owe is inventive, but sometimes it is a bit routine. In Canada I sometimes liked having someone else in charge, or join in. It was a different energy. And we had to test each other. That made me be more on edge. Then it is nice as well when you know and absolutely trust the person who you are submitting to.

Well, how philosophical I am these days!

Tuesday, normal. Our teacher has invited us to her house for a barbecue for the friday after the exam. It is real, it is coming closer!

Today I went to the gym and then went to the town house. The painters are nearly finished. One cannot see it properly, due to the scaffolding. I had some time with PandL, not a play visit. Just a catch up. I miss not having them around the corner. Maybe that is why I noticed how both have aged. Per especially. I am a bit worried. I mentioned it to Master. I kind of made a comment to Per and he got very defensive. Oh, that is soo not like him.

I came home and had some lunch, then took Django out. It was not easy, he was so unpredictable. I understand how the boy does not feel confident in taking him out. I did some study when Master came home. I had lost track of time. Master made a rule that I need to set a timer and not work longer than 90minutes. That makes sense. Cramming does not work. But I feel better for it. I feel as if I am cheating, doing this exam after just 2 years being here. So I feel as if I still need to learn lots.

I had school and then went to the park to eat my lunch and then went to yoga. School was very relaxed, my teacher asked if anyone wanted something explained again. At first we all said we are fine, then we all had a question. This was our last class. The exam is on Wednesday. I am not allowed to study after Sunday. The atmosphere was strained as we all packed up. Everyone went their own way. It will be nice to have the party at my teacher's house, to conclude our time together.

I did not go for a drink after yoga as I had some shopping to do. I promised to come next week.

Master told me we have been invited for lunch at S/T/D tomorrow. Well, the stuff I bought for lunch tomorrow will last to Saturday. That means I will miss yoga on friday. I do not mind, it has been a bit hit and miss on fridays. Fridays has been an irregular group of people and we seem to switch between 2 instructors as well. So I do not mind missing it. I might give it up, as I am than not available to Master on his day off. Aeh, I mean I am not here for him if I go to yoga. So we talked about it, and he said he quite likes to know that I am busy and he can do his own stuff. Well, try to be a good slave and then he does not want me! But I understand. We need to have our own thing. He works when he is away! I do my own thing, stuff I LIKE doing. Yes, he likes his work. But it is nice for him to have time to himself. So, we agreed that he should have some time to himself on Fridays and I see if I can maybe volunteer at the Center more.

Our relationship is constantly evolving, very much so the last few weeks. And it works because we talk! Are we different there than hetero men? Or is it because we are aware how important honesty is because of our “special” relationship? So it does not turn into abuse? Why did I never tell Robert I did not like his device? Because I liked it at first? I found it exciting, it was a challenge, he came up with different positions and I liked it. But when it became too much, I felt I could not say anything. At first I stuck with it as I know it pleased him. It is so easy to do that, as a slave. But we do have a voice and need to use it!

Tonight Master took me to the play room. He put me into the chair. At first he did not do anything, he just sat in his chair. It excited me. I was so on edge, then when he finally touched me, it was glorious! The fuck was good for both of us.

I am quite tired today, we watched a Swedish film on tv just now and I really had to concentrate to understand it.

We were at S/T/D's for lunch today. We had a good talk. They are very concerned about Django, they are facing losing him and it is difficult. The doctor says he is going blind. Master suggested I can take him out more often, as I won't have school anymore. The boy now has exams anyway and cannot do as much.

This morning I woke Master with my routine, even after our session yesterday evening it was nice. We have not had a chance to a slow morning in a while, so we both enjoyed it. We had a good breakfast and then went to the gym. After lunch I did my 90minutes study and Master did some work in the garden. He was in a good mood afterwards. He prepared us some dinner and made me a lovely shake. I was remembering the first time we met. It was at a medical convention in LV. We had gone as a family unit. B gave a presentation, standing in for a colleague from her hospital who was too shy to go. Erik and Robert went on a hike in one of the canyons for 2 nights, so I was on my own with B. We met with Owe for dinner. I had been to the desert with Erik and Robert during the day, and had been a bit unwell. So I just sat back and let them have a good catch up. The next night B had arranged to go experience the nightlife with some other women. She suggested I spend the evening with Owe. Which of course meant I was to be available to him for sex. We went for a drink in the hotel's roof bar. Then he wanted to to see the fountain show at the Bellagio hotel. We had to walk

along the strip for some time, it was very busy and I got a little anxious. I had told him about my problem with crowds, lights and noise. He made sure I was ok and “guided” me through the crowd.

When we came back to our hotel he wanted to go to his room on bis own. I made it clear that sex was allowed. He said he knew that, but was not in the mood. The next time we met, at a M/s convention, Band R shoved us together and we did have sex. Not much talking. He was very nice.

I felt he was just another friend/client, so when we got together, it was as if we were strangers and I had to get to know him from scratch. Which we did, really. There are still things I only mention to my diary, stuff I do not tell him about. Like my remembering that incident. Although it caused so much upset, I feel partners do NOT have to be 100% open about EVERYTHING! Like today, when he was gardening and it put him in a good mood. It made me happy that he is happy. Sometimes I guess I am a bit insecure. Am I behaving the right way? I do not want to upset him, I see my role is to anticipate his needs, to be almost invisible, and be ready for him, whatever he needs. But then I am also his partner. A person in my own right, with my own thoughts and feelings. Sometimes it is difficult to combine that with being a slave. My interpretation of being a slave. He kind of has been stricter with me since I have come back from Dalarna. And I let him. I kind of find it easier that way, if he gives me rules, like not to study longer than 90minutes. Then I do not have to make that decision. Like him suggesting today I can help more with Django. Without checking with me it is what I want. I am okay with that. Sometimes it s good to have a partner/Master who challenges you

(ME). And he knows pretty well how much he can challenge me. Enough.

We have been to the club this afternoon and ended up staying once it opened. Quite a few people we know were there and we got talking. Martin wanted to show us his ideas and products he had sourced for the summer muggle guests. Master said to him, basically you have a free hand, you are the manager, you know this stuff. And part owner. But I thought it was nice to be involved.

This morning Master was already up when I got into the living room to do yoga. He was on the patio with a hot drink. He left when I got up and went back to bed. I started to set the table, but must have disturbed him, as he called me to his room and ordered me to join him in bed. He was tired and wanted to sleep some more. I liked watching him sleep. I think I drifted off for a few minutes. Eventually I got up and finished breakfast preparations, then I woke Master. He went to the gym and I did shopping, like every Saturday. After lunch I did some study while he read the paper. Then we went to the club. Tonight we watched the news and I am now going to bed. Such is life.

I sat down yesterday evening to write my dairy, but the memories were too painful. I had an “episode” yesterday. It started very well, I went to wake Master and we ended up having quite a session. He tied me with some rope and we had sex whilst I was in bondage. He left me tied in the bed afterwards while he got ready. I loved it! To be used like that. And it was good bondage!

We had a leisurely morning, then we cooked lunch together. He has gotten much better working tidily and we had fun. I did some study and then put everything away. Master had instructed me to put all my stuff into the office, so I would not be tempted. We were reading our books. I do not know how it happened, apparently I was not reading, but reciting grammar rules or something. Master tried to get my attention, but I did not react. He hit me in the face. He actually put quite some force into it, and I was quite shocked. Of course I did not know why he had done it, and he was full of remorse. I think he hit me harder than he had intended. I did not feel well afterwards. Maybe I even had a little bit of a concussion. Master made me watch some tv and pay attention to it. It was a BBC nature programme, so at least it was in English and easy to understand for me. I was kind of out of it for some time. I needed to go the bathroom and suddenly found myself on my bed, crying. Master found me there and comforted me. I hate this. I want to be “normal”. But then again this “autism” makes me a good slave. But then, would I be a slave if I did not have these personality traits?

It is like, sometimes I am a different person. I am not in control of me. This “illness” takes over. It was like that while I recovered from Meningitis. Somehow there was this fog around me. Some people can go deaf from that illness. I had my hearing checked 3 times in the months afterwards, one reason was that my parents said it was sometimes difficult to get my attention, as if I did not hear them. But it was more that I kind of was not in myself, in my body properly. You know, like day dreaming. I do that a lot. Or I get so lost in a task. I do it over and over again. Or I repeat words, like a mantra, just involuntary and unconsciously. Although doing a mantra is supposed to help you switch off your consciousness. We had a good evening, Master tried very hard to distract me.

We watched a quiz show and I beat him because my knowledge of Swedish history was better.

Today I met with Sabine. We had arranged that I spend some time with friends before that episode yesterday, so I would not be tempted to study or get anxious. We met in town and then we did the roof top walk over the townhuset. That is the council building. We had to have a safety briefing and were kitted out with harnesses and hard hats. There were wires we were attached to, so all very safe.

It is a fantastic view across Stockholm from that height! I enjoyed it immensely. I had such a feeling of freedom, despite being in a harness and attached to wire. But then I am used to that, and I must confess, I was glad for my chastity belt as the guide checked my harness. Sabine had never done the walk either and felt elated after it. It turned out that Master knew what were going to do and had paid for it! We went to a restaurant in Gamla Stan for lunch and sat outside. I told her about yesterday. She did not try to analyse it or anything. She just listened.

I came home and did some housework. I had to go upstairs and clean there, but I avoided the office. Master went to the gym after work so was home late. He enjoyed hearing about my day, and he told me about his day. He saw Stine this morning and he told me they want to give Django the best life possible, so our help is appreciated. He said he even offered that we have Django here if I have walked him, so he won't be alone. I think he is quite attached to him.

I am dreading it. After Dog. And I am dreading it for Stine and Torben. But I think, at least they have this time. To make it special. To say goodbye. I do not know which way is better, knowing someone is going to die, or have it happen suddenly, unexpected. I have experienced both, and I cannot say. It still hits you, even when you expect it.

So, tomorrow is my exam. I am sleeping in the cage tonight, Master thinks it will help me. Maybe it will, but I have myself well under control this time. At least I think so. Maybe others see it differently. I met with Ingrid this morning, we went to see some flats that her and the accountant are considering. They are nice flats, spacious, light. The trouble is, that both are used to their neighbor hoods and do not want to move away. Although Ingrid spends a lot of time in Ostermalm. I suggested they choose a neighborhood they are both unfamiliar with, than it will be a new start for both of them. I am only now starting to feel at home and call it my house with Owe.

I met with him during his lunch break, we wanted to inspect the work on the townhouse. The scaffolding came down yesterday. It makes the other houses look quite dirty now. It is not much different from the old color, but a brighter shade and as it is fresh, more vibrant. I think Owe is quite glad to have all these works done, now he can hopefully relax for 10 years. All the major work is done. Per came to talk to us, he says all the tenants are happy with the work and look forward to settling down. Our new tenants picked up their key and are expecting some workmen to lay carpet or deliver furniture. I am a bit excited to have them move in, I would quite like to make friends with the slave. He is a bit younger than me and from the South, but it would be nice to know a fellow American here.

I then went to yoga and on to the Center. People had heard about our trip across the roof top and wanted to hear about it. Master came after work and relaxed in the garden. He came just in time to eat with us. I talked to the kitchen manager, he is glad to have me on a Friday. They get very busy, and with summer some of the regular people take holidays.

It was my scheduled day for cleaning today, and changing my bag does take time. So I adjusted how much I ate yesterday, and compensated with drinks. It worked. I had put a bag on and I needed to change it this afternoon, just after my exam had finished. Maybe I was unconsciously holding on to it. Recently I had to use bags more often as I was in school. Maybe switching to morning was not such a good idea. But then it had really made life difficult when I did it in the evening. Well, I guess that is a cross I and Owe have to bear. He understands I do not like bags and supports me in my decision. I am very grateful for that.

It is late, I walked Django and brought him home with me. We played together for a bit, but he soon got tired. I then took him home, he was nervous so I stayed with him until Torben came home. We got talking and Torben just walked me home. Like a little boy. But Django needed a piss before night, anyway. The exam went reasonably well. I just took my time, and did as much as I could. I met with Master afterwards in a cafe and we “celebrated”. Ingrid phoned to ask how it went. We are meeting tomorrow.

Better go to sleep.

Oh, it is Friday. Master kept me busy yesterday, again.

We did not celebrate midsomer. Unless having a session is celebrating. He had to work. I walked him to the hospital, went to the gym, met with Ingrid for coffee, met with Sabine at the center to do some yoga with some other residents. Our session at the gym was on a day off due to being a national holiday.

I had some lunch at the Center and snack when I came home with my shake. Master went to the gym after work. I made him something to eat when he came home and went swimming. So much exercise in one day! I actually did not swim that much, just paddled in the water for a bit. Still, it was nice. Afterwards Master put me into the cage. We moved it out onto the terrace. He put me into bondage and a blanket over it again. It turned into quite a session. We continued it into the night, meaning he took me into his bed, still restrained. This morning I had to go to the toilet, he made me use a bottle.

We had sex while I was still restrained, and then he left me again while he got ready. I was a bit tired today, as I did not sleep that well. But I enjoyed it. We had breakfast together and I did a short yoga session and then cleaned myself. It did not take as long as usual as there was not much to get out, but I want to be back on schedule. We both went to the gym. Master came home for lunch and took our bags home. I helped at the Center. They have their usual open weekend and I helped to tidy and set up. Tonight is the party at my tutor's house. Master has a party at his head of department from the University. He is not looking forward to it. He tried to get himself into the mood by buying some new clothes. He got a t-shirt for me, he cannot resist buying clothes for me!

I am actually in the train, on the way to the party. I am looking forward to it. I will be sad not to have classes anymore, and not see my class mates. It was my thing, my time. I definitely will do something again after the summer, even if I do something random like car mechanics. Just to have something to do, to get me out of the house. I will have my 2 days at the Center, I do not really want to do more there. Oh, it's my stop already!

Just a short entry. I cannot believe it is Saturday already. I am in my room. Master has closed the door to my cell. I am only allowed 5 minutes. We had a session in the playroom today, it was very intense. I was so in headspace, I cannot recall details. I guess I could watch the footage, Master had set up a camera. If he even set it to record.

I had a good time at the party yesterday. There was a barbecue and salads. There was plenty of drink provided, but most people only had a polite drink. We played party games, some were more children's party games, but we had such fun! We all went home pretty much at the same time, I had a taxi pre-booked. I took some people with me to the station. Master had come home before me, he did not enjoy his party. He reckons he went with a closed mind. He says he felt out of place. He rather would have been at the club. He kind of blamed me, and that we had so many bondage sessions lately. I guess this year he is not horny, but keen on bondage. This afternoon proved it. We had a Thai take away. I do not really like Asian food. Otherwise I am a very happy slave!

Well. I was sick today, still am. I had to throw up during the night. I do not think I will ever have Thai food again. Master ate the same, so it cannot be that it was off. I guess it just disagreed with me. I felt quite weak, and when I went to wake him, he immediately noticed I was not right. I tried to have some bread, but I was too tired. He gave me a drink they use in the hospital. We keep them in stock, for cases like this. If I am sick I like the bedroom upstairs. I do not like to “contaminate” our bedrooms. We put fresh linen on, well, Master did. I did not have the strength. I went back to sleep and after a couple of hours felt better. I managed to have some porridge Master me. He then put the hammock up for me in the garden. It was lovely, in the sunshine, just relaxing. I guess the last few days were a bit full on. Maybe I made myself vulnerable by cleaning myself on Friday. Anyway. Master was listening to the podcast he likes on his Ipod. He kept laughing, which made me curious. He gave it to me. I have heard several episodes over the years, and I find them quite good. The presenters have a very good relationship and their banter is great. I met one of them at Folsom Fair once. We had mutual friends who introduced us, but he would not remember.

Tonight I had some soup and bread, but then I had a little stomach pain. It might just have been muscular, it was better with a hot water bottle on my abdomen. Nevertheless. It concerned Master and he has arranged for Per to come over tomorrow. I have a raised temperature as well, so he thinks it might be more than just an adverse reaction.

I felt much better this morning. Per came over just in time when Master left. I had made him breakfast and then sat down with Per for breakfast. I had porridge as usual, just a bit less and with more water. Lasse goes to a day center for the deaf on a Monday now, he is learning proper sign language. Although he is not deaf, he enjoys going there. Of course they do not know the real reason why he is mute.

We managed to get an appointment at my doctors this morning and he checked me over thoroughly. I was glad we had Per's car. I had a rest in the hammock afterwards. Per cooked us a light lunch, just some pasta with pesto. I still managed to do a load of washing and hang it up. Per and I played some board games this afternoon. He confessed to me he has been unwell and had a little operation which threw him for a bit. He stayed until Master came home, which was not necessary, I felt well enough.

Master has been a bit concerned about work, there seems to be stuff going on. Lots of his colleagues had consultations with HR about work. He says he has a busy week ahead, he is doing the complicated operations. So he might have to work longer, depending on how the operations go.

He made dinner while we talked. It was nice to be just a couple. My doctor phoned with my results, everything is fine. He also thinks it was all the excitement of the last few days.

I suggested yesterday I go to the gym this morning but Master forbade me. I did go to yoga. I did some housework which I did not do yesterday. I took Django out for a short walk and stayed with him for a while. I went to the Center afterwards, but I talked to the kitchen manager, and he reckoned I take it easy as well. I laid the table and just chilled. I helped pack the decorations away after their summer party. The garlands were tangled up and I managed to undo them. I found it quite – whats the word. They were tangled up but I managed to do it without getting upset. I just did one knot after the other and was methodical.

Master came after work. He took me to the side, we needed to talk. Apparently they are going to make him take holidays in August. Mum wants us to come to the memorial service she is planning for my father. My brother Jonathan has had to explain to his daughters that they have an uncle which no-one told them about until last year. I would have liked to be a fly on the wall during that talk!

He did not press me for an answer. He knows I am not in favour of it. But I always thought he would not be able to get the time off anyway. So I never really considered it.

I managed to forget about it during meditation and he has not brought it up yet. It is nice to travel home while it is still light.

Well, tonight Master, no Owe and me talked again about going to the States. He really wants to go. We could make it a longer holiday, meet with his father. He suggested we could do some sightseeing, maybe spend a few days in New York. Wow, he had already thought about it! I know I have to face it sometime, meet the rest of my family. But during such an emotional time like the first anniversary of my father's death? And we had so much going on, and BandE are coming in September. So, he is giving me more time. But he has to take the holidays anyway. So we might as well go somewhere.

Today I went to the gym. I went swimming here in the lake afterwards. Master has relaxed the rule about him being here when I go. He trusts me that I stay close and we have noticed there is actually not that much boat traffic during the day. I cooked myself some lunch. I went shopping to the hypermarket, just to keep busy. I took a taxi back as I bought some bulky items. Luckily we have an account with a taxi company. Really, who needs a car?

Master came home straight after work. We went for a walk to the shore. He had been doing operations all day and wanted the exercise and fresh air.

I miss school already! I met with Stine and Django today. She had the day off and was quite glad of the company. Django was pleased to see me. Stine says he is really unpredictable, but luckily not violent. Today he was very much seeking our company. I had a good chat with her. We talked about the gossip at the hospital. She says she had heard stuff, but it only seems to affect the anaesthesia department. I told her about my concerns about going to the States and how much Owe wants to go. She understood my concerns, but she suggested I should get it over with. Otherwise it will always hang over me, and I will feel guilty for not going this year. Of course she is right. I think if Owe had said that, I would have gone against it, just out of principle. I am still reluctant, but it is for the best. And I quite like the idea of going to New York.

Master came home after work. He wanted some time to himself in the garden. A patient died on the operating table. They offer counselling at the hospital. He says this happens, the human body is unpredictable. We had dinner outside, I cooked us a light meal. He had not had time to eat properly. He made me a nice shake though. He enjoys doing that.

It was not easy for me to bring up our holiday. I felt like I had definitely said no, and now I want to say yes. Owe was calm, he nodded. He did not say anything for a while. I am glad he reacted the way he did. No: I told you so. I do not even know why I thought he would do that. He is NOT that kind of person. We have not talked much more about it. We decided we want to go to New York. It is easier to fly there from the continent than directly to Boston. It will be the first 2 weeks of August, so we do not have that much time to work it out. We have sent an e-mail to my mother to confirm we are coming, and contacted Owe's father as well.

It is late, we have just came back from M/s night. I am a bit wound up, we took a taxi home, so I did not have a long journey to unwind.

Master and I had our usual morning routine. We have had quite a stressful week, being together this morning, it was nice. We left it all behind and were just together. I really enjoyed being with him. Touching him. I guess I was the more active one this morning, and he enjoyed it. I enjoyed that I enabled him to relax and enjoy himself. I often think, when he puts me into bondage, that I enjoy it more. He does it for me. I know it is not true, 90% of the time. He enjoys being in charge.

So. What else. Oh yes, big news. He had to go to a meeting at the hospital this afternoon. He got the call while I was at the Center. I got home and he was not here. I was a little concerned, he would let me know where he goes. He did not want to let me know in advance, as he did not know what the meeting was about and he knew I would be worried. So he let me know as soon as he got out of the meeting. His head of department is leaving as his wife has a terminal illness. She is getting worse more quickly than expected, so they are moving his retirement forward. His duties will be split between several senior doctors, that is the reason why they asked Owe to tutor the new trainee. There will be a pay rise for the senior doctors, which Owe wants to refuse. That is not for me to comment on. He might have to be more flexible with shifts. During holiday season for example. They have promised him it will not go back to the old system. It has been nice, the last 2 months. It has only been 2 months! He seems happy with his work load, and he enjoys being amongst fellow medical staff.

It was busy at the Center today, I enjoyed working in the kitchen. I had a word with the manager, he says we need to formalise things. I need some kind of police check and a health certificate. If I am working there during the summer, as they have so many kids around, I need the police check. Apparently it is a formality. I need 2 character references, and he is happy to provide one. My tutor or Ingrid can be another one. Apparently as I only did one day a week before, I did not need the health check. Now I do.

And we met our new tenants at the flat today. I was apprehensive to see it, but it is already so much their space! They had unpacked everything, their stuff had arrived that week. We travelled to the club together, on public transport. I think the Master was uncomfortable using the train. The boy was curious. They were very pleased with the tips we had given them. We introduced them. The Master was throwing his weight around, buying drinks. I took the boy to the slaves corner. We talked a little about where he comes from and his history, I told him about mine. He seemed pleased to have a fellow American here. He has learned some Swedish via the internet and his Master taught him. He was quite subdued and when his Master indicated for him to join him, he jumped. He kind of reminded me of the rescued boys we have had at the house. I hope I am wrong.

We have been invited to Owe's doctor friends house on Sunday. His partner is here for the week and has brought his boy. Master asked if it is a social visit or a play date. He said he might be open to play, see how it develops. He asked me if I was ok with it. If the energy is right, yes.

And Saturday again!

We got up rather late, it was late last night. So we skipped our routine, but I did mine as I got up earlier than Master. He had stayed up yesterday. He went to the gym while I did shopping. We both came home and then went back into town to go for a meal. We went to a tapas place, and I was allowed some wine. In the afternoon we relaxed in the garden. I quite enjoy not doing any studying anymore, but I scanned the paper for an article to work on. I want to continue with that.

I went swimming and when I came out and got undressed one thing lead to another and we had a long, long session of sex. We both came twice. Master can hold on, or does he need more time? Well, the second time always seems better. I guess we are both absolutely turned on by then. I am sure anyone on the road would have heard me. I could not help it! Tonight we have planned our trip a little. We booked a hotel near Anyers. We checked out flights, but we decided to use the travel agent again. We had a look at some not well known things to do in New York. It will be the height of the tourist season. We want to go up to the Rockefeller Center instead of Empire State building.

We want to go to Ellis Island to look at the immigration museum. And do a ride around Central Park, in a horse drawn carriage. Cheesy, I know But we must do something typical tourist! I am starting to look forward to it.