It is sunday
morning, I woke up early and have done yoga. Yesterday was intense
and I fell asleep a little earlier than usual. Master came to bed
late, so I will let him sleep. I fell asleep in his bed, and he sent
me to my room when he came to bed. Luckily I went straight to sleep
again. It was nice to be in my room. I knew I would be able to sleep
properly, and I needed a good sleep. I did not sleep very well Friday
night. I guess I was a bit anxious about Mum leaving. She had to be
at the airport quite early, so we got up, had breakfast and then we
decided to go together. We did not stop at the airport, we just
dropped her off. I sat close to Owe in the taxi on the way back and
he held me. It will probably be along time before I see her again.
We came home and I
had to clean myself. Then I prepared some lunch. It had started to
rain. After lunch we sat down to read the paper, but I could not
settle. I asked Owe for some “time out”. We had a talk what that
meant, sleep sack, straigtjacket, bondage? We settled on some time
in the cage and restraints. He did not want me to be in the playroom,
so we got the cage into the living room and he put a blanket over it.
I also had earmuffs on. I could just about hear him moving around,
and I also sensed his movement. I liked the blanket, it was dark
enough for me to feel isolated. It was a different effect than being
blindfolded. I like that when it is close contact. This was good, a
dark room. I managed to switch off, just concentrate on my body, on
the world around me. I kind of went into a trance. Owe gave me a
drink twice, he managed to do it without letting the outside in. I am
so grateful that he often does scenes FOR ME. I needed some time and
he facilitated it, without wanting anything back. OK, so after he had
decided it had been long enough, he released me and awaited me in the
playroom, where we had sex, to his pleasure. Well, I liked it too,
but it was for his benefit. He cooked us dinner, I was tired. I was
even too tired to eat. Owe was very patient with me and did not make
an issue. He knows if he does, I go on strike. And I know I have to
eat what he has portioned for me. He knows about my trouble I had in
the first weeks of my stoma. Although that is such a long time ago,
and it has been fine since, it is a delicate topic. His attitude to
my stoma in general, I find him sometimes too controlling. Making
sure I eat properly, I have my shakes, take my supplements. I have
lived with this for longer, I can manage myself. Anyway, we watched
some tv, and then he suggested we go to his bed. Just to relax. He
was so kind to me, I fell asleep quickly. I felt so secure.
So, what now? Owe
starts work next week. That was quick. We only talked about it last
week! He is looking forward to it, but a bit nervous as well. We had
such a long time, over a year. It was good for us. Now our lives will
change again. I am sure it will be alright. Get a routine
established. At least this time he will not do shift work, so we will
have more of a routine.
My lovely husband.
Master. Lover. No, Master, husband, lover. Deep breath. Get on with
life. One foot in front of the other.
So, later on
Sunday. What a day! It started well, with our usual routine, having a
shower together.
We had enjoyed
breakfast, we took our time. We were both quiet. Master mowed the
lawn and I cleaned the spare room. I was a bit sad to eliminate Mum,
but I also felt I needed to do it. I made us lunch, which still was
quite quiet. Owe wanted to do some stuff on the computer. I cleaned
up. Something had been on my mind all morning, and I finally decided
to tackle it. I took Master a cup of tea and asked to talk to him. It
suited me he was in the office, it seemed appropriate. I told him
that I had kept something from him and I wanted to let him know that
I now felt he should know I kept something from him. I told him I had
dreamed about my bad experience which caused my dislike of rubber and
puppies back in december the year before, but never told him about
it, and now felt it was wrong. He asked what the memory was, and I
had to rush to the bathroom and throw up.
The thing is, I
have blocked the memory, but I still feel the effect. I felt a bit
nauseous and went into the garden for some fresh air. Master came
with peppermint tea for me, which I gratefully accepted. I sensed he
wanted to ask me more. He kept asking why I had not told him about it
then and what the dream was about. He missed the point totally, it
was not about me remembering, I felt guilty that I did not tell him I
had remembered, and even phoned B. I explained that I had not
mentioned it then, as I felt, then and now, he knows soo much about
me. About my past, my problems, my “special needs”. I hardly knew
anything private about him, about his past. Then. Even now. I could
see he was struggling to understand my point. I could not think of
anything else to say. He kept asking. I lost it. The last 10 days, I
went over so much with my mother. I had had all the anxiety before,
it was really hard for me while she was here, to make everyone happy.
I had done so much thinking, explaining. I was tired of it. Master,
although he makes decisions quite easily, he then thinks about it,
and reasons. It was like it now, he accepted it, and then went: ok,
so how about this, and why this, and what about...
I am much more:
ok, this has happened, this is how we dealt with it, the chapter is
finished, lets move on. He needed to analyze an event which was over
a year ago. Ok, in my mind, it was over a year ago, for him it had
just happened. He wanted to hear about the event itself, the memory.
Which I have no recollection whatsoever of, I only know it makes me
feel sick. I accused him of treating me like a little child. And he
always needs to talk stuff through too much, sometimes one just needs
to let it go. He was hurt. He wanted me to elaborate about the child
thing. I could not think of many examples then, it had just slipped
out. I regretted saying so, and I said so. He insisted it is
something we need to talk about, as obviously it had made me feel
angry and I resent it. Yes, I guess I do. But then I also quite like
it. Our relationship is quite complex, we have different roles we are
trying to combine. Yes, when I came, he set up some rules, and we had
some discussions since, but we kind of never set up our expectations
for our Master/slave relationship. We fell into it. As I knew what –
in general – was expected of me, it was easy. I think he is still
trying to figure out what being a Master means for him.
We were going
around in circles, we both noticed it. I got up and said I want to go
for a walk. He said good idea and got up, too. I said, no I want some
time to myself. He looked a bit disappointed, but understood. I think
it was kind of what I just said, and he acknowledged that. He asked
if I had my phone. Really?! Is that not what I had just said? Do you
ask a “normal” adult if they have their phone? Do I really come
across like that? Maybe I should stand up for myself more often when
we are together. I came to the flat. I did not really know where to
go, so I came there. I thought I might be able to think there, pick
up on some vibes. Nothing. It was just a space, and I thought it was
actually quite sad. This was home. Now it is not. So I walked into
town. I did not feel like going home, for round 2. It was drizzling,
I decided to go to the cinema. Some Disney animated film was about to
start so I bought a ticket for that. I was not really bothered what I
saw. I was just about to text Master that I am at the cinema when it
started, so I just switched the phone off.
It was late when I
finally got home, Master had been worried. He confessed he had
checked up on me by trying to locate my phone. When that did not
work, he checked my chip. I am glad he told me about it,
immediately. He was trying very hard to be casual. He asked if I had
eaten, again, trying to be casual, not checking up, not treating me
like an idiot. To be honest, I kind of liked it, how he was looking
out for me. It is not normal, is it? Is it him, is he overprotective
by nature? Is not being protective, but controlling? I do not know.
Do I trigger it? Hm, it is something we should look into.
I told him about
my afternoon while we had a little dinner. He made me a shake and we
were able to be us and have a nice evening, so far.
