Sunday in Dalarna

I slept well last night, it must have been the physical exertion. Trude goes to church, so I was on my own in the house. As I had to clean myself, it was quite welcome. The rest of the family had gone to visit the other grandparents. Trude took me on a hike to a favourite place of hers, where she and her husband went when they courted. She told me about her youth. It is interesting to hear about how people in a different culture grow up. I think Sweden especially still has a lot of traditions which we do not have in the States. I asked her if she had seen much of Europe and how life compared to other countries, but she said she did not have much chance to travel as they had the farm. But she does not regret it. They get quite a few tourists from Germany and she learned a bit German. She says they are very polite and tidy people. I had to think of our ex tenants, yes, they are clean!

When we came home cousin was gutting some fish. He had been given some by the in-laws and we were supposed to come over for dinner. I expressed a concern that I am not a big fish eater, and he said, well then you just eat potatoes and vegetables! Of course I tried a bit of fish. They looked it up on the internet what it is called in english. I am not keen and am quite happy not to ever have it again. Of course one had to have schnapps with it. But they stuck to 2 glasses each. Cousin said it will make the milk go sour if he does the milking with a hangover.

Day 1

I was awake several times during the night, the strange bed and different atmosphere. I apologised to Trude, I am sure I disturbed her. She said it is ok, she does not sleep well anyway. After breakfast I helped bring the cows back to their field. The kids had to go into town with their mother, so I had the morning to myself. I played with the dogs for some time. After lunch I helped build the bonfire. A lot of the men remembered Owe from when he lived there as a kid. Being outside, the physical work, it was nice. It reminded me of Canada. We had fika at home and then I fell asleep! Trude had to wake me to get ready to go to out! The fire was already burning when we arrived. There was a buffet in the sports hall. I was introduced to a lot of people whose names I immediately forgot. The kids were running around. There was plenty of alcohol, I had to be very careful that my glass was not automatically filled up. I had one drink, to please them. Woah, it burned. I had to sit down for 10 minutes. I was later informed it was home brew with an unknown percentage of alcohol. We stayed until 11pm. By then most people were totally drunk. Luckily there are designated people who do not drink (that much) who look after the fire and make sure it is properly out at the end of the night. The retained fire service gets a practice session.

At the farm

Well, I am on the train. I have a packed lunch with me. Goodbye was awkward. Owe came on the train to help me with my luggage. Other people were trying to get past, so we did not have the chance for a long or intimate good bye. I am excited and nervous. I do not really know them very well. Usually I am with Owe and he makes conversation. Although I have had good conversations with all the adults by myself before. I like his cousin, he is a quiet guy but once he gets warmed up. And Trude is so motherly, but energetic and no-nonsense kind of person. I am sure I will be alright. I do not know yet how long I am going to stay. How long I am welcome. I will miss Owe, but then I am quite relieved to be away from his “care” for some time. I think it is important for me, to have some time by myself, to figure out who I am again. Not slave Ben, submissive Ben. Me, Ben, the person.

So, last night we went to bed. We had talked about going to the playroom, but we were both not quite in the mood. So we had plain sex, couples sex. I wanted to remember every inch of his body. Immediately after sex it can be strange. That “turn around and get the cigarette” moment. Well, we do not smoke. So what do you do. We talked. Owe needed to discuss my comment about him treating me like a child. Well, that kills the atmosphere! Anyway, I was able to elaborate and I think it gives us something to think about while I am away and I guess we need to have a talk when I come back. I was not sure if I was allowed to stay in bed with him, and I did not want to ask, as I wanted to stay. Owe noticed my discomfort and asked me. He wanted me to stay as well. This time I did not even get too hot. This morning he went to the gym while I packed and sorted myself out. We took a taxi to the station. Considering I am only away a week or so, I have quite some bags. One for clothes, one for medical stuff, one with school stuff and for the journey!

Well, I better have my lunch, and then enjoy the view!

Trude has been very welcoming, she picked me up from the station. She asked if there was any special food we should get while we are in town. I could not think of anything. Very nice of her to ask, though. She asked if everything is ok between Owe and me, and I assured her it is, just that I wanted to have some time to sort my head after my mother's visit. She understood that. I am in the room Owe and I shared at Christmas. There was a cuddly bear on the bed. She explained it used to be Owe's. She had bought it for him after his mother had died. She had a clear out recently and had found it, washed it and kept ready. She had not intentionally put it into the room. I like to have it here. We went through our schedules. I explained I will need some time in the bathroom every other day, which she of course is familiar with. I asked where I can do yoga. On previous visits I have not done it. I told her I like my privacy, which again she accepted. Tomorrow we are going to a bonfire at the sports fields. It is a big event, the whole village will be there. I went for a walk around the farm, and then helped Trude prepare dinner. The kids have been told not to pester me today. After dinner Trude reminded me I should call Owe, which I duly did. We did not talk for long.

I am going to bed early, I suddenly feel very tired.

Getting ready

Today was busy, I am snatching a few moments to write my diary. Owe wants to have some time with me tonight. I want it too. He has given me my diary back earlier. He has read it. We have not talked about it. He just thanked me again for trusting him with it.

I had school and came home for lunch. Owe had something ready. I then went to yoga and had a quick drink with Sabine at the gym. I do not know much about her past, she thinks the here and now and future matters. The past shapes us, and if a friend or partner knows about experiences which have shaped us, it is important. But sometimes that information can be used negatively. I think that is one reason why I did not want to tell Owe. Robert used his knowledge about me and my quirks to “torture” me sometimes. Although I do not think Owe would ever do that. I think he suffered a bit with his Master, but like me was unable to stop it, out of false loyalty or love. Because we are slaves, submissive, we are supposed to take it? Sometimes I am in the mood to be a masochist, but that relates more to physical pain. Not mental pain.

I spoke to my teacher, our group is not on holiday next week. We are mainly doing revision now, so I can do that on my own, and she will correct it. She has asked me to write a report about my week, specialising about the farm. It will be a good exercise for me.

We are making decisions

It has been quite eventful today. Master and I had a good talk after dinner. I had had time to clear my head a little today, but I still feel overwhelmed by the last few weeks. I explained it to Owe, that I need to get away. I want to be able to forget it, put it aside. My head is hurting with so much thinking. I need to switch off, get away from “me”. Master understood, and he suggested I could go to a retreat or something. Maybe even go to Italy or somewhere warm. It was a nice suggestion and I appreciate it, but I do not feel like spending time with strangers, and even not to bring Sabine along again. I suddenly thought going to visit Owe's family might be nice. Spending time with the kids will certainly distract me from my problems! It is school holidays, so the adults might be happy to have me around to help look after them? We phoned Trude and she was happy for me to come. They actually do not have any holiday makers, so me being there would be great for the kids.

I am leaving on Friday. Then I remembered Master will start work on Tuesday, and I would not be here to support him. He said it is fine, he rather wanted me safe with his family and getting better, than having to worry about settling in at work and worry about me at home brooding.

Oh, something else happened. It was kind of a spur of the moment decision, I gave Master my diary from December, from when I had the dream. I gave him permission to read it. Or call Barbara and ask about it. I do not want to know the details. There must be a reason why my brain keeps blocking the memory. I brought the diary up to his office where he was doing some work, and he had a very surprised look on his face when I gave it to him. He put it to the side. After his questions on Sunday I had expected him to read it immediately, but he still has not done so. Well, at least he has not said anything about it to me. I think it is good, it shows he respects me. Which he does, anyway.

It was a good day today. We both had things to do and got on with them, meeting up for meals. We went for a walk. The flat is let, we both are a bit torn how we feel about it. It has been home to Owe for so long. But we had decided to live at the house and we are happy here. We are privileged to live here. A neighbor of Stine and Torben just sold his house, the price was ridiculous. And it is on the land side of the road!