Enjoying time with mum

We had a quiet day at home today. It was nice and sunny and we sat in the garden. Mum asked me about the rings in the post in the living room. We did not go into detail. We took Django out for a walk. I went to the gym in the morning. That was hard work! I came back for lunch, Mum had been shopping and cooked! That was great, just like old times. Just that we missed Lizzie. I gave yoga a miss. We talked a bit. About a lot of different things. About the past, and mainly about the future. Now that we have made up, I am really sad that we are so far apart. She was astounded that I have limited access to the internet. I guess she finds Master Owe controls me too much. She does not understand that it is my choice. I want to be controlled. Yes, I notice I behave different when I am around “normal” people, friends. When I am on my own with them. When I am with Owe, I defer to him much more. Some people find that difficult to deal with. To see me being submissive. If I was a woman they would say I am under his thumb, that he oppresses me and that women fought for my liberation as well. As a man, a gay man, it is different. I find it is accepted easier. Especially by people who are aware of kink and Master and slave. Quite a few years ago a woman in the USA published a guide to being a submissive woman, 50's style. Of course it caused uproar, but a lot of women embraced it. As a submissive I do have a voice. It takes a strong person to be submissive. Of course it can get/be abusive. Not for us. We talk. We usually do not plan scenes, but we talk afterwards. I can always stop it if Master is too hard. We have learned the hard way. I guess Mum and I have learned the hard way this last week. It seems I have put my own interpretation on some of my memories. Mum set me straight on some of it. Today we talked about my leaving, again. How Dad reacted. How she thinks he dealt with it. Outwardly he was harsh, forgot about me, erased me from their lives. She thinks he took it much worse, he did not know how to deal with it and blocking it out was his way to do so. At first it caused a huge strain, and after Lizzie died Mum was on a lot of medication. They never talked, it seems. She did not have the opportunity to talk. Until we reached out through Father Morris. She talked to him. I am sorry I did not make much more effort to set things straight, with my father as well. In hindsight, I should have battled on. Was I up to it? I do not know. I would have to ask Barbara. I guess it will take me some time after Mum leaves on Saturday to still digest.

Owe came home after work. We had some light dinner, he had eaten at the hospital, and then we took Mum to see the club. She had expressed a wish to see it, and tonight was a “normal” bar night.

Martin was on shift. We showed her around, except the private room and told her about the plans for outside. Punters were dressed in some gear, but it was a normal bar, I think. We stayed for one drink and then she wanted to go. She had seen it. The train journey home was quiet. I am going to bed, I have a slight headache.

Sorry, was too busy to post! 2 days again

So, today I woke Master, we had time for a quickie (for him). I did yoga after a 2 day break, and I do notice it! I had breakfast at leisure with mum, she was excited about meeting Ingrid. They have my credit card and Ingrid will buy something for herself if she finds something. Otherwise we will sort it later. I went to the gym. I stayed in town with my packed lunch. I went to the library to kill some time. Then I went to yoga. It was only a small group, being straight after Easter. Of course the kids are still on holiday. We had discussed cancelling, but quite a few had expressed to have the opportunity to come. I came to the center with Sabine and did my usual kitchen duty. Master wanted to go to the gym after work and we kept him a meal, as often. I am really glad we are able to do that. Of course he pays for it! We had our usual time alone right before the session, just catching up. Being together. Mum had called me twice, once to make sure I was ok to pay for their boozy lunch, and then a shop was not happy for her to have someone else's card, so I had to give consent.

She waited up for us. She wanted to explain I can expect quite a bill. Although she paid for some items as well. She was praising Ingrid. We will have to send the clothes on to her, she cannot fit it all into her suitcase.

This morning I had trouble to convince Master to get up. I think he was dreaming something. So he was a bit late. Mum slept a bit longer this morning. As I had to clean myself, I had breakfast by myself. We went to Upsalla today. I have not been there before either and Master had said it was nice there. His boarding school was near there and he spent quite some time there with his friends at the weekends, to hang out. Mum read my book while she waited for me. I really felt it this week, what an inconvenience my stoma can be. I had to keep myself from rushing. I can easily injure myself if I rush.

It was a nice sunny day and we sat in the park for quite some time with a drink and talked. We talked about her being a widow. About losing Lizzie. About me losing Robert. About me and Owe. We were still talking on the train home! But it was good. All week we had avoided it, and finally we were able. It was hard, but it was also a relief. Master was not at home when we arrived, he had gone to the gym.

We cooked dinner. After dinner Master wanted to talk to me. Mum was tired anyway and went upstairs, she really wants to finish the book. I offered she can take it, but she says she is nearly through. I awaited Master in the playroom, he had offered to clear up. He fetched me from there and took me to the bedroom, he wanted to TALK. He had met with his manager and talked about going back to work part time, along his lecturing. He wanted to know my opinion. I know that is what he wants. I will miss him, but I think it will be better. Be “normal”. He would not do any shifts, unless it is to cover during holiday times etc. Only four days a week, and less when he is lecturing. He did not mention how much he would be earning, that is none of my business. It will be enough.

Of course I gave him my approval, he has made up his mind anyway. But nice of him to consult me. We then had a bath together. I am very tired now. The bath got very physical. Nice. I enjoy being like that with him. Robert was a sex person, not into cuddling. I did that with Barbara. And sometimes Erik. Mum and Owe are talking. I am glad she seems to like him.

I am sad that she is going soon. We just got into a routine.

Sorry, forgot to post yesterday, so you get 2 installments!

Today I did not do my yoga. I wanted to sleep a bit longer. Owe woke me when he came home, sometime in the early morning. He had had a tough shift and needed some company. He wanted me to join him in his bed, and then I did not sleep very well. I guess I could have gone back to my bed after a while, but I was so comfortable.

We had planned to go to brunch at Stallemastergarden, but I cancelled that as soon as I got up. Owe needed to get his sleep. Mum came to breakfast and I explained. She was ok with it, as she had the urge to go to church. She apologised, she had said she did not need to go. I said it is ok, no problem at all. I left a note for Owe and we went. A catholic church service, especially on a holy day, is easy to follow in any country. The routine is the same. I sometimes translated for mum, but on the whole it was fine. I did not take communion. Mum did. We both lit a candle, well, Mum lit two. I felt a bit bad, mine was of course for Lizzie. Robert was not religious, he would not have wanted to have a candle lit for him. And I could not light one for my father. We had the ceremony when he died. That is it. When we came home Owe was up. He did not want to talk about last night. He was just about to mow the lawn, he likes to do garden stuff when he had a bad day. So Mum and I cooked. She discovered our attachment points on the counter. I think she was just about to ask what they were for, when she must have figured it out. We have only used them once, when we had the kitchen installed. They were a nice idea, but it is very uncomfortable for me. Owe needed to go into work to write up his reports. Mum and I decided to do some more sight seeing by public transport. She wanted to go to the palace and see if she can spot royalty. I deliberately took her to the housing estate parts. Stockholm is not only nice. On the way home we were at Mariatorget, and she said she wanted to get a ticket for the cinema. As the American films are in English, she had no problems. We got her a ticket and went home to get some dinner. She felt confident to go by herself on the train. We told her to get a taxi back. I am not sure why she wanted to go the cinema by herself. To have some time alone? To give Owe and me some time alone? Well, we will make use of it!

I am very tired, I nearly fell asleep on the sofa, reading. Now that I got ready for bed, I am a bit awake and thought I write my diary. We had a busy day today, which started with a good sex session. I slept in the cage last night. Master even put a muzzle and mittens on me for bed. I was soo aroused. He closed the cage door. But when I woke up this morning it was open. It was not locked, but muzzled and mittened, I would have had to use my feet to open the lock. I went to the toilet when I woke up and then crept back into the cage. I waited for Master to “let me out”. He got up and went to the bathroom and did a few things, ignoring me. Then he got the frame out from under the bed and put it out. Oh god, I could feel myself getting wet. He ordered me out of the cage and secured me to the frame, still muzzled and with my mittens on. I had not worn a plug all day yesterday. I did not feel right going to church with a plug, so had taken it out. I confessed it to Owe when we came home, and he ordered me to leave it out. When he took me to the playroom last night, I was hoping he would use the opportunity to fill that hole, but we had a session without sex! He took me right to the edge yesterday. But I soo enjoyed it. He hooked me up and had a bar between my feet. Sometimes he pulled me up so I had to be on my toes. He does not ever stretch me very far or just leave me hanging. Sometimes it can strain my abdominal muscles too much. He touched me, tickled me and even gave me a little spanking, with his hands. He had his gloves on. He had changed into the boots. HMHMHM! He talked to me and it was really great being used like that.

So, back to this morning. He told me to be quiet. It was likely that Mum would come downstairs and be in the living room. Although if we keep both doors closed, one can not hear anything.

He used my wetness to lubricate my asshole and his precum. The first time was quick. Then he played with me for some time, and himself, until he got hard again. Not that he even went down properly. He took his time and I was allowed to come. Well, I could not have stopped myself anyway. I still had my belt on, so it was very intense for me. I managed to make only a little noise, which earned me a little punishment. This time he hit me hard. At the end he put a little lotion on my ass to make up for it. Then he took my muzzle off and I sucked him off. It took us a while to find a comfortable position. Because of my position in the frame, I found it strenuous to hold my head up. So he kind of had to lie down. He propped himself up with some cushions. He left me in the frame for a little afterwards. We noticed the time and had to hurry to get up for breakfast. We had been playing for 2 hours!

Mum made a comment, that we needed a good breakfast to get our strength back. Oops.

To be honest, I am astounded how well she takes all this and is open minded!

I cleaned myself before breakfast this time, so joined them later. I only had my porridge. We had re-arranged our trip to Stallemastergarden and booked for lunch. We showed Mum the flat and she wanted to see the hospital. Luckily the doors to the bedrooms were closed. As open as she is, after her reaction in South River, I do not want her to know that I sleep in an even smaller cell. As far as she knows we have separate bedrooms because of our sleeping habits. We had a good lunch. She liked being there, we were able to show her the room were we had the ceremony. She said it made her feel part of it. Afterwards we walked to the other side of the lake, which is a LONG walk. We took buses back home. We had a snack and then just sat and read. And I fell asleep.

Tomorrow will be a normal Tuesday for me, she is going out with Ingrid, Master is back at work. She feels comfortable finding her own way around Stockholm and the house. And we feel comfortable leaving her at the house.

Almost an ordinary day

This morning Mum came down to make herself a coffee just after I had finished yoga. I think she had been lurking on top of the stairs to see when I was done. She does not like Swedish coffee, it is too strong. I have gotten used to it. She has figured out a way to make it suitable for her. She asked what the plan was for today, and I suggested we go to the market and just see where the day takes us. Owe was on a late shift again, and he wanted to go to the gym. We decided to have a day without serious talks. Mum suggested she will have her coffee, get dressed and then do breakfast, so I could spend some time with Owe. I accepted that gratefully. Owe was still quite asleep when I came into his room, so I crept into bed and just lay with him. I enjoy just being near him, even in his sleep he gives out this Masterly energy. He must have sensed me being there, he pulled me towards him and we snuggled. I felt as if nothing in the world could hurt me, as long as I am with him.

Finally we had to get up, we had a shower together and I used the opportunity to give him a blow job. We both enjoyed that. It was a little rushed, but he was exploding. I hope we can fit in some sex soon.

Mum had breakfast ready and was going through the paper. The leading article was about the presidential elections in the USA, and she was keen to know what the journalists opinion was. Owe suggested it was a good exercise for me to give her a summary in English, so I started to read it. Mistake! I got myself all worked up. Instead of fetching something to write and do it in an organised way. Owe told me to put the paper away and have breakfast. Which of course was sensible. But I do not do sensible. I was all over the place and Owe sent me out into the garden to gather myself. It did the trick, like usual. Mum apologised, we assured her it was not her fault. It is quite strange, I feel like her son again, we are developing our special bond again. But there is a gap. 10 years, and years which have changed me A LOT, are very obvious. I guess it is part of growing up, that your parents become strangers to you, and a partner knows us better as the person we are now.

I had to clean myself, so we all hung around for an hour. Owe read the article and translated it for Mum. They had a good talk about life in America while I did my stuff. Then we all went into town, Owe to the gym, and Mum and I to the market. We bought quite a bit, but then the shops will be closed for a few days. Mum suggested she will cook tomorrow and we bought those ingredients. We had lunch at home. I made fish! The trader assured me there were no bones in the fish, but I carefully checked anyway. I cannot help myself.

Owe had to go to work and Mum and I went to Ostermalm to the market. We snacked a little there and bought some stuff. She really likes the cheese and smoked fish. We strolled through the streets. Mum mentioned how elegant the women were dressed, she commented she really had liked Ingrids outfit. I said Ingrid likes to bargain hunt in the boutiques here and we can do that, if she wants to. She started to look at the windows more, and really liked an ensemble they had on one of the mannequins. Mum is naturally slim, average height. I convinced her to go in and try it on, and have a browse around. We came out with several items! The sales woman must have had a bad week, she was very eager, but respectful and did not do the hard sell. Mum did not want me to spend so much money on her in such an exclusive boutique, but I convinced her to treat herself. Most of the stuff in there she would have not the opportunity to wear, but we got two tops, a pair of trousers and some shoes.

I suggested she can go shopping with Ingrid, maybe in the more general store, and I will pay for it. She was reluctant. She said she had brought so much stuff as she did not know what the weather will be like, she does not have the weight allowance spare. Well, when we were at home I called Ingrid and we convinced Mum to go out with her on Tuesday.

I felt a bit lonely when we came home. Mum and I prepared dinner and cleared up. We were quite quiet. I looked in the paper if there was something on television in English and we did find an American cop programme. Mum went to bed when it had finished. I tried to reach Owe but his phone went to voice mail. So I just left a message.

Friday

Today Owe was on a late shift and as it was a nice day we decided to go an boat trip around the harbour. One does these things only when out of town visitors come. I told Mum about the roof top walk one can do from the ratshuset, but she was not keen. I would like to do it, maybe I have to go on my own. It is safe, one wears harnesses. Owe went pale just at me mentioning it. Today he was less physical with me, I think he had noticed it. He had to go home to go to work, Mum and I stayed in town. I took her to the open air museum. We had a meal in the restaurant there. We talked a lot again. I am seeing a lot of things about my childhood from a different perspective. I guess I had a selective memory. We do not talk much about our “lost years”. What they got up to. What is the point? She likes to mention my nieces. She obviously loves to have grandchildren. I think we avoided talking about Lizzie today. Anyway, she was very interested in the houses and farmsteads. She said maybe she would like to go to Ireland, the Church sometimes organises trips. I encouraged her. Dad was so measly, but then we actually had to be careful with money, to pay for upkeep of the house and 4 children's education to pay for! They did not make much money on the house sale, but she gets a good pension. Now it is only one person the pension needs to support...That is another topic we have not talked about much, yet. On the way home we did some shopping at our local supermarket. It took a while as Mum wanted to look at the different products. I did not mind, I was the same when I first came. Which is less than 2 years ago! Now I am so at home here! I chatted to the cashier, and Mum mentioned later to me how at home I am, and how easy it was for me to switch languages!

I guess I am. I am sad to be so far away from her and from Erik and Barbara, but I like it here.

I made us a warm salad for dinner and Mum tried a smoothie. I made a fire and we played cards. Mum has gotten into the habit of having a whisky in the evening, my father liked it. She says it makes her feel close to him when she is at home alone in the evening. We talked about it yesterday, and why Owe does not like alcohol, especially whisky. He offered we could buy some, but she said it was ok, abstinence for a week or so would be good. Tonight, with the fire on, she fancied one, but was happy with a cup of peppermint tea.

She went to bed a bit later today, she is getting used to the time zone. I prepared a snack for Owe for when he came home and made his bed up and laid the towels out. I left the lights on for him. I was considering waiting up, but all the walking around today has made me tired. I managed to get him on the phone and wish him a good night.

A normal day

Today was a slow day. Master had to go to work. I woke him up after I did yoga – in the living room. Mum was told about our schedule. She is adjusting to the time change. We had breakfast together after Owe left and then I had to clean myself. I have given Mum one of my books about Swedish history, she read that. Then I went to the gym and she met with Ingrid. We thought as they are in the same age range, they would get on. They have lived very different lives, are very different personalities, but Ingrid will be able to answer a lot of questions Mum will not dare to ask us. They got on well. We went to the Center for lunch, and Sabine joined us. Mum said later to me she understands that we are friends, Sabine reminded her of Lizzie. A free spirit. That is why I do not understand how Lizzie ended up with that group of old fashioned religious nuts. But I can understand how one can fall for a charismatic person and totally change your life because one thinks one loves that person. Well, I loved Robert and he loved me, and of course there were Barbara and Erik as well, whom I loved, still love. I met Lizzie's bloke only a few times, he dropped her off and picked her up again when we met. Decent of him that he did not want to check me out. Funny, they never got married. I believe they had a ceremony within their group, but never anything “legal”. I never warmed to him. Lizzie and I never spoke about our parents. I do not know if she told them that she saw me. I should ask Mum about it. We did not talk much about her in November, it was too painful.

Sabine and I went to a yoga session at the Center and Mum had a look around the shops. We came home and she went to have a nap. She was trying very hard, but the time change and her messed up sleeping caught up with her. She told me to wake her after an hour. I had told her that Owe likes to have some time when he comes home from work, and to leave him alone. I heard her get up before the hour was up, and she stayed upstairs. She came down about 30 minutes after Owe had come home. He was actually ok, he had had a boring day at work and he was glad to see me and he made the most of having me to himself. Wow, if having my Mum around makes him so possessive and horny, maybe she should come more often! I am not usually so much into being very physical, but it was nice. He sat outside, just then we had a sunny spot in the patio. I brought out his drink and he pulled me onto his lap. God, I wished we had had the chance for sex!

I had made meatballs for dinner, and Mum confessed she had them before, at an Ikea store in the USA. Wow, her and Dad had gone to a shop like that? They did not buy anything. Although Mum had had the rest in the afternoon, she went to bed quite soon after dinner. She had not slept earlier. I did go to bed quite early as well, I find it quite tiring. I am somehow on edge all the time.

A good day

We had a good day today, it was sunny and we did the tourist stuff. We got Mum a tourist card, which gives her free or reduced entry to museums and free public transport. She was very impressed by that. We have been out all day. Mum went to bed after dinner, which was a prolonged typical Swedish food buffet style affair, very relaxed. We went for fika in a cafe in Gamla Stan. We did not talk about anything controversial.

Owe was great, he gets on well with Mum. She is a bit hesitant about us. Owe, unusually, held my hand most of the day or even put his arm around me. He does not do that. I think he was not even aware that he has done it. Somehow I guess he subconsciously wanted to show Mum who is in charge, or that we are a couple. She was uncomfortable around that, which I noticed and often found a way to let go of his hand or get his arm away. He did not notice that.

This morning she came into the kitchen while I did my yoga. I guess I should have stayed in my room, I did not even consider that she would be up early and come down to make a drink. Although I am glad that she felt comfortable enough in a strange house to do that. I managed to finish my routine but I was kind of unsettled. Owe noticed. He took me into the bedroom to talk to me, and then went with Mum for a walk so I had peace in the house to get myself together. It is strange I guess, how he is now the main person in my life who knows me and keeps me in order. He is the one I totally trust and rely on.

I was nervous today, I love this city. I wanted Mum to like it. I want Mum to like Owe. I want her to see I am happy the way I am.

The plane has landed and it is a crash

So. Mum is here. And we had a huge row already. We were settling in at home, she was tired, but wired from the travel. She asked me to take my collar off for her visit. Or cover it up. I was livid. I went into the garden to calm down. Mum waited for me to come back in. She apologised. I explained what it means to me and why I got upset. She understands my reasons, and said she will try to ignore it. It his her problem. Owe came home right at the end of it, we were still a bit cautious around each other. He picked up on it and wanted to know what is going on. He was quite upset as well. He talked with Mum about it as well, and we set some rules for her visit. We had dinner and a nice conversation catching up. I did not eat much, as usual, and had my shake, and Mum was about to say something when she remembered. She mentioned if we will be going to meditation. She encouraged me to go, as she just wanted to have a bath and go to bed. I was reluctant, but Master ordered me to go. He wanted to stay at home as well. I felt funny, going out on my own, but I thought it would be good for me, to get some distance. I managed to switch off. People were surprised to see me, they asked if Mum had arrived, but I think they picked up that I did not want to talk about it.

Master picked me up from the train station. He had been waiting for me. It was a nice surprise to see him there. He hugged and kissed me, and I did not mind. It was nice to be in his arms and smell him. I almost wanted to cry, I just felt so safe with him.

I was calm this morning and did my routine of clearing up after Master left for work. I got some flowers to put into Mum's room.

The driver was very nice, he did not talk too much. He had to wait at a specific area at the airport, so I had to phone him once I had found Mum. Her flight was on time and we had just been there for 10 minutes when she came through. I had made a sign for her. It felt strange to see her. We hugged for ages. She was excited to see me and about her experience. It was the first time that she had flown. And of course we had treated her to an upgrade, which she did not know about. She only found out at check-in. She told me off for spending that money, but what else am I going to spend it on? I kind of owe it to her that I even have that money. That is sick.

She asked me some questions about Stockholm on the drive and I explained our initiatory for the week. She was excited to see the neighborhood and the house. I did not show her our bedroom wing.

Well. Owe has a day off tomorrow and if Mum is up to it we want to do some sight seeing.

Countdown - to what?

One day to go. I have kept myself busy today, cleaning, going to the gym, taking Django out. Master took me to the playroom last night. He has been very keen on doing bondage lately, which I definitely enjoyed. He used me last night, but it was good. I am glad I was able to be of service to him.

He started work today, and was very grumpy getting up early. He phoned me several times today to check in with me. That made me nervous! I had dinner almost ready for when he came home, he likes to relax for 20 minutes or so, sometimes just dawdling, sometimes just sit with a drink and stare into space. After dinner he suggested to go into town for a drink. He is nervous about tomorrow as well. It will be fine, Mum will be tired. She is flying via Amsterdam and will arrive here in the late morning. We found a nice bar and he enjoyed talking to me about his work and the latest hospital gossip. I do not know most of the people he mentions, but I still like to hear it. It is important to him, part of his world. The first summer he would sometimes go out with colleagues and take me along, but that has stopped. Well, of course as he has not worked that much. But he worked all last summer. But then we were here at the house. It was easier to pop home after work and then go out again when we were at the flat. Master has ordered me to sleep in the cage tonight.

No headline

I did not have time to write my diary yesterday, and in the evening I did not want to. I had a few hours in my straitjacket and was in a good space. We did our usual Saturday stuff. I bumped into Sahid and Mats on the market and we had a coffee together. Well, I had peppermint tea, I am still feeling a bit bloated. Master met me when he was finished at the gym and we bought a few more bulky items in our local supermarket. They deliver, we should really make use of that. I cooked and made enough to put some into the freezer. It might be handy to have some choice next week. Then we went to pick up Django. We were invited to stay for a drink and of course the topic of Mum's visit came up again. Stine and Torben are going away, like every Easter, so I do not have to walk Django. They still do not have a diagnosis, the doctor suspects dementia! I had no idea dogs can get that! Apparently dogs can get a lot of diseases we humans have. Anyway, I felt quite uncomfortable talking about Mum. I felt me getting nervous and anxious. So we changed the topic.

All the peppermint tea must have finally had an effect, I suddenly had a rumbling in my guts and was afraid it would spill out. Of course I did not have a bag, so Owe and I made our excuses quickly and I spent some time in my bathroom. I managed to control it and clean myself out.

Master offered to cook dinner, which I think was a good idea. Of course I wash properly, and I had a shower, but I actually did not feel very energetic. We had an early dinner, I had mine as mash. Does not look very appetising, but that way the food has more surface area for my gut bacteria to attack it, get more nutrients out and it is easier to digest. When I first had to adjust my diet, I had most of my meals this way. My body has learned to adjust over the years. We walked Django together, it was only a short walk. Apparently he does not like the dark any more! His eyes have been tested, they are fine. As that could have been a reason for him to lash out, as he does not see. Or his sense of smell could be affected, which disorients dogs immensely. Like a cat loosing the whiskers.

Master suggested he could put me into bondage in the playroom, to give me some time out, but I did not want to leave Django. After a while I thought I could do with some bondage though, and we could do something light, so I can still play with Django. Master got my jacket and did it up a bit loosely. Django was a bit confused by all the straps, but I managed to have a good time with him. I still think I'd rather play with a real dog though, than with a human pup.

I slept in my own room, Django slept in the hall. We left a little light on for him. He was pleased to see me this morning, I did a bit of yoga in the living room and then took him out to do his business. He was sniffing for ages. I did not mind, I want to spend time with him. If he has dementia, then rushing him is no good. My mum used to visit a lot of elderly parish members and often took Lizzie and me along. They always enjoyed having kids around. So I have experience with it. When we came back I woke Master. He was in a good mood and we had a nice session. He said we better do lots now, so we will not be too horny when Mum is here and it will be awkward.

We had breakfast and then I played with Django in the garden. The snow is all gone. Nature is at that point where it just looks sad and drab and one wants some sunshine and fresh green and the leaves to bud. We brought Django back in the late morning. This time we did not stay. I was suddenly tired and had a rest on the sofa while Master cooked. I have been a bit tired lately, I guess my digestion has not been the best and I am lacking nutrients. Master says I need to get some more iron. That is in red meat and dark vegetables, which I do not digest too well or even avoid, as it can give me wind. So I am under instruction to get some from a pharmacy and start taking some. Sometimes, living with a doctor can be so annoying. Most of the time it has been good though. I would have ignored infections before and hoped it will go away naturally. Barbara was always right though, I needed the antibiotics. When I was ill here, it was a more aggressive bug, so needed the operation.

I managed to have some lunch. It was more the knowledge that I need to eat.

Master and I spent some time planning our week. We looked at opening times of some places I want to take Mum and when Owe will be free. The forecast is for nice weather.

We booked for Brunch at Stallemastergarden for Easter Sunday, they said we were lucky to get in!

This time I got excited about her visit, not anxious. Juhu!

We have arranged for a car to take me to the airport and wait for us. Getting there by public transport requires a lot of changes.

Master confessed he phoned Mum on Friday to tell her about my recent problems. I am glad that he told me. I do not mind that he did it. It was probably good to let her know. She does not really know much about my mental health problems. We had enough other stuff to talk about when I saw her in November. It will be good to for her to see me in my environment, where I am at home. I will be more relaxed here and be me. In SR in November, I was kind of at home, but not. The energy had changed.

Keeping busy

I woke Master this morning, we had breakfast and then went to the gym together. Master stayed on for sauna while I came home to walk Django. We will have him tomorrow over night as Stine and Torben are invited to a party. Master was already home and preparing lunch when I came home. We cooked together, which is unusual. I was not very hungry. I needed to try to clean myself later, it is not good to do it on a full stomach. I have a bit of homework to do, basically I have all Easter break to do it, but I rather get on with it. Sabine was to come over to keep me company, but she did not have time until later. I took Master to the train station, just for the exercise. I was ok being at home on my own, I have kept busy. Sabine had had dinner before she came. She had brought board games again. We always like to play twister. This time I was not feeling up to it really, my cleaning was not very successful. We played cards and scrabble. Master came home and was quite tired, Sabine left soon after. They get on well, but she is more my friend. She feels a bit intimidated by him.

I made some peppermint tea. I hope it will give me some relief tomorrow morning.

The day after

I sleep walked last night. I woke up in Owe's bed this morning. I was a bit disorientated. Owe was asleep. I realised I had disturbed his night, so I let him sleep as long as possible. I thought about not waking him at all, but he could sleep for hours. So I woke him, apparently he stayed in bed for quite some time. It was the last day at school today for our Easter break. Everyone wished me a good time with my mother. Stop mentioning it! I am managing!

I went to yoga and went straight to P/L afterwards. Most of the women could not stay for a drink anyway as the kids are already off school as from today. We had some coffee and cake, Lasse is a good baker. We chatted and I helped with some cleaning. They wanted to get their playroom cleaned and we needed to move some heavy stuff. After dinner we played cards. The looser had to loose a piece of clothing and put some gear on. We mainly use clips. Lasse cheats. Master came to pick me up after he had finished work. We convinced him to stay for one round of the game, all or nothing. Of course he lost as we ganged up on him. We made him strip. We did not bother with clips, it was getting late.

The train journey home was kind of interesting. I had my bag with school stuff, yoga stuff, was dressed very casual. Master had his posh work bag and was dressed nicely in his good coat. I think we made an odd couple, but I think it is apparent that we are a couple. Not just friends who travel home together or something. We had a tea together after both sorting our stuff away, sit down and relax and be us. Catch up and put our public persona away and be Master and slave; or like tonight:

partners.

Dealing with my mind

I did not sleep well. I kept going over what I had talked with the counsellor about. My brain would not switch off. As a child it sometimes happened to me, if I had a stressful time at home. My mother is not aware how my brothers sometimes treated me. They often got quite physical with me, and I was not strong enough to do anything. I think if I had been able to fight back, it would have been better. They teased me anyway, but when we were alone, it was bad. Where does this cruelty in kids come from? After such days I was often in bed and replayed it. I guess it was how my brain dealt with it. I tried to switch it off. I learned to recite stuff. I had my torch and science books and studied. If I concentrated very hard, I was able to switch off the memories and “replace” it with facts.

That is what I did last night. I got my dictionary and conjugated verbs. I woke up this morning still with the light on and the dictionary open on the floor. I woke up Master but I was not in the mood. He invited me into bed and we just lay together for a while. That was nice. He knew I had a bad night, but did not bring it up. He just held me. It must be very hard on him, too. I suggested if we can invite Ingrid for lunch, and a session. Master said yes. I phoned her and explained, and she agreed to come. This woman is a saint. I did some homework before she arrived. Master agreed to cook. I took Django for a walk, that was nice. He was a bit out of himself, too. Maybe it is all the tests that they are doing. They have ruled out a brain tumor.

We had a good lunch and then Ingrid and I went to my room for a talk. She managed to not only make me see reason, but to convince myself. For now. The thing is, I know it is happening. I know it is stupid, but I cannot help it. I guess that is what mental illness is, to a degree. Blessed those who are so far gone they do not know. I am not there, far not, but I can understand suicide. Or taking drugs. Or drinking. Just switch off, for 2 hours. Just bloody be quiet, you thoughts!

I asked Ingrid about how up to date she is with medication. She discouraged me. If, then she definitely wants me to see a psychiatrist and get me properly diagnosed and onto a good regime. She warned me that medication takes a few weeks to make a difference, and it can have an adverse effect. It offers relieve for a short time, and then to come off it, can be really bad. She reckoned it is a period I am going through, and I have to give it a bit more time. I see her point. I know it is not a quick fix. I have seen people on drugs. I mean illegal stuff, like coke and Meth. But I am struggling.

I tried smoking a few times, and brownies, as a teenager. It just made me sick, meaning throwing up. Maybe it has affected me?

So, I am writing this just after Ingrid and I talked. I had a short meditation, but realised I could not get into it. Write my diary. Does it help? No. It just makes me think about it, it goes round in my head. Give me a drink!

It is later today, I dared to read what I wrote earlier today. I am in a mess, aren't I? I cried. That was good. It was a quiet cry. Feeling sorry for myself. But it felt good. I came back into the living room, Owe was there, reading. I made myself a drink, I made him one. He had cleaned up nicely after lunch, the dishwasher was on. He did not ask me, and I did not offer. There was a bit of an atmosphere. But sometimes I have to deal with it on my own. Only I am in my head. I sat with him and I lay down on the sofa, with my head in his lap. That was nice. He likes playing with my hair, I really like that. He read and stroked me. I was totally relaxed and for once I had a blank mind!

I must have dropped off, I kind of got bolted back to reality when he got up. Bless him, he had been holding it in to not disturb me! It was nearly time to make dinner anyway. I felt good. Master suggested I should not be alone when he is at work, so we made some phone calls and I have “play dates”. Non sexual ones. Or we will see, I will spend tomorrow with Per and Lasse.

Enough

Oh, another day with me! Sometimes I want to switch off. Be normal. Whatever normal is. I really had fun last evening. I am grateful for Owe not making an issue. For distracting me. He got up with me this morning. He had a lecture and sat in on 2 lectures. And he has 2 more shifts at the end of the week. I had a packed lunch and then went to yoga. We had a good banter in the kitchen. At dinner we were talking about Easter, and I mentioned that my Mum will be arriving next Tuesday, we will not come. Suddenly I felt this weight on me. I got what could be described as a panic attack.

I thought I was ok after my last meltdown. After making that list. I guess knowing it was only a week away. It was suddenly real. I am so nervous about her coming. I want her to be here so badly. I want us to be ok. I want her to ...forgive herself and understand that I am happy.

I cannot pin down what I feel, why I am anxious, what I am anxious about. She has been open and understanding, much more than I would ever have expected her to be. I mean, my life is soo different. Not only from what my family had expected for me, or what I had expected for me, but society as well. I guess Ruth is nervous as well. We will just have to take each day as it comes.

I had a talk with the Center manager, he has counselled me before. It is good to be able to talk to someone else. Owe must not be the one to carry me all the time.

I told him about it once he arrived for meditation. He was upset, concerned. I do not want to burden him. He has enough on his plate! Truly, I am sorry. But I guess he knew what he took on. Barbara had told him everything about me. Still. This is my problem. We managed to enjoy the session. I saw him talk to the manager, who of course could not tell him anything about our session. Owe does take it on too much. He thinks I am more vulnerable than I am. I have tried to tell him that before. But I guess he is just such a caring personality. One thing is, we have spent too much time together. I am glad he is starting work again. He needs to be with his peers. Enough. Enough.

A busy day, sort of

It was kind of intense today. Master and I had our routine this morning. I took care of him. I would have liked to be fucked as well, but Master had plans for the day. The Master interested in the flat cancelled the viewing yesterday, they have re-arranged it for today. Master Owe had a meeting at the hospital this morning. I have been doing housework. I am still a bit tired after yesterday. Physically tired. I did yoga this morning, it helped. I have taken Django out today, he was back to normal.

Stine and Torben have a few theories what it could be. He is 11 this year, he is becoming a senior for his breed. After lunch we went to the flat. We were there for about 30 minutes before the appointed time to make it look good. It was fun working with Master on it. We moved the sofa back to it's original place, that makes the space look bigger. They want to take the flat. I say “they”. The slave did not say a word! I have seen very dominant/submissive relationships, like the couple who come every few months to M/s night. But the energy between them two did not feel good. I tried to get the slave to talk to me while Master showed the M around the flat, he just smiled at me or nodded or shook his head. I know he can speak, but is obviously not allowed to talk unless told to. I know Master and I try, but I guess I like to talk. And he lets me, which is nice. And we can talk, when it matters. This M, he had a negative energy. I could not really pick anything up from the boy.

Anyway, they are taking the flat. He has offered a rent we could not refuse. He wants to buy the specialist furniture as well.

On the way home it hit me. I am not sure what “it” is/was. I just felt everything coming on top of me. As if something else took over my body. I had to concentrate to move. Owe kind of noticed that something was wrong, put I managed to keep it together while we were in public. At home it was better, but I felt confused. I was still not myself, I did not know what to do with myself. I dealt with the laundry, but then I asked Master for some time out. I had some time in the cage in the playroom. Master put the baby monitor on. It was nice to be there. In that space. I was able to concentrate on me. I did not think about events earlier. I just concentrated on me, my body. I thought about Master Owe and how I can please him, going forward. When Master came to fetch me- it was time for me to cook dinner- I felt much better. After dinner I did some revision for school. Then Master and I played cards again. He made it fun.

Yoga and relaxation big time

Just a short update. Sabine called this morning, a friend of her had to cancel a yoga event with a famous yoga Master and she thought I might be interested. Master said he has to study and prepare for his lecture on Tuesday anyway, so I should go. It was at a community centre in a southern suburb. It was very warm in the room, although it was not hot yoga. I cannot do that. The Master told us to stretch further and further. Although we were all experienced, it was hard. I do not think this is yoga how it is intended to be done, but it was an interesting experience. I was tired and not very hungry. Master made me my shake and that was enough. We had a bath together, that was nice. Master had been studying all day, he has finished his course. It was much more intense than he had expected. So I massaged his shoulders, and I enjoyed the warm water on my sore muscles. The warmth all day and then the bath and all the exercise have made me very tired and I am sure I will sleep well tonight. I have not had any dreams and have been well all week. Master and I had a full- filling time in bed this morning when I woke him. I did not get a chance to do yoga this morning, which was probably good. I was running my hand along the bars of the cage, enjoying the sensation of them being there and being in a cage, when I heard Master sleepily call for me. So I got into bed with him and after a while he was awake enough and he fucked me twice in quite quick succession. The first time was quick, and the second time I was allowed to come as well. MMMH!!

Puh, what a day- and a lovely ending!

It is quite late and I am tired but I want to write my dairy. We had a busy day today. We went to the market, we just wanted a few vegetables, cheese and maybe some cold meats. The Sodermalm market id not have our usual stalls, so we decided to go to Ostermalm to the indoor market. It is more expensive there, it is an expensive neighborhood. But we got some nice food, stuff we do not usually buy. We had a quick lunch at home and got changed to go to the opening of an exhibition at a gallery in Ostermalm. We had not planned to go to there in the morning, so we were not dressed for an exclusive event. Master was invited as the accountant's company is a sponsor of the gallery. We actually looked at the art. We did not know anyone except Ingrid, and did not stay long. But we had made the effort and the gallery can boast how many people were interested. Yeah, for free wine and nibbles!

We had a good night at the Club yesterday. More people had come, even from the country. One Master and slave couple had come from the country, they have been together for 30 odd years. I like talking to the slave. They do not do internet. They live in the woods and have no connection. They only come every 3 months or so. I would like to visit them, it sounds interesting what their set up is.

Master Owe spoke to an acquaintance of Master Arne. The guy has had an international career and is now looking to semi-retire in Stockholm with his American young slave. The slave was very quiet. It might just have been the strange environment. Master Owe called me over and introduced me. I tried to chat to the boy, he was not responsive. Ah well. They are looking at the flat tomorrow.

Owe had put the coat cuffs on me for the travel, which caused a bit of a problem when going through the barrier to go to the platform for the train. He had to put my pass on the scanner and we had to time it. There was a guard and he thought we tried to travel on one pass. He did not bother to ask why I did not scan my own pass, I guess he sees all kinds of weird people.

Tonight Master put me into my sleep sack in the living room and then put an audio play on. He told me he would test me on it later. It was an interesting experience. I like how he manages to makes the scenes different. As I said, now I am tired. Concentrating on understanding the play was hard. Now I am sleeping in the cage. Yeah!

Friday!

The snow is melting and our snowman is a snow boy, all crooked. Master and I went to the gym and then had lunch at the centre. We came home and took Django out, and then I went to yoga. Master met with Sven. Django is sometimes behaving odd, they have an appointment at the vets next week.

I have done another part of my homework and have dinner on the stove. Tonight is another M/s night! We are obliged to go, we have been at the club so often this month! I still enjoy walking in there and seeing it. I am sure Owe is happy with it, too. Arne had made the correct decision to leave it to Owe. I guess somehow it does not matter to the person who died, but it is the people who are left behind. People often make such a fuss about life, and one has to accomplish certain things. Like going to a good college and having a career. If you think about it, probably ¾ of the worlds population is just struggling to survive. That is what mankind is for, there is no “meaning of life” Life is the meaning of life. Be happy.

Life

Master is cooking dinner and I have done some of my homework. We have lots to do this weekend. Master and I went food shopping after yoga at our local supermarket, I did not want to go for a drink with the girls this week after the experience last week. We are fine, but somehow I did not feel like it. So when Master suggested we go shopping today, I was very ok with it.

A busy day for me

I have a bit of time after my communal meal and before meditation group starts. We had a lovely meal and everyone was talking about their weekend in the snow. Now I am enjoying being on my own and be able to take some time to write my diary. Yesterday evening Master took me into the playroom and he tried some rope suspension bondage. At first it was not so good, he did not get the position quite right. Once we had it sussed, by using some leather restraints and putting the rope through some d-rings, it was comfortable for me and I hung there for what Master said was nearly an hour. I had gotten into the headspace and it was really fun. From time to time I managed to get myself to swing and sometimes Master did it. He stayed with me the whole time. But basically was just there for security. I am sure he had as much enjoyment watching me hang there as I had. He took me down rather abruptly, I had to adjust myself and come back to earth rather quickly. He tends to do that, so I am getting used to that. It was a good session and I am grateful. He did not do it for me, but we both got something out of it.

Today was normal, the snow is not a problem, although walking along a pavement can be tricky as the sides are piled high with snow.

Today Master had lots of appointments so I spent the day with Lasse and Per. They needed some help with their caretaker jobs, they find it is getting quite tiring for them. I also checked on the flat and dusted and vacuumed. It is so strange to be there. It almost does not feel as I ever lived there. For one, so much furniture has changed. I guess it is good. I really liked it there when I first came to live with Owe, now I prefer being at the house. We kind of have made that so much our home, with all the work we had done. Lasse cooked us a very nice lunch, reindeer heart. It is very lean meat, being pure muscle. He comes from a poor country family and he likes plain food.

Afterwards we played a little. With Per I can do pain stuff. He has the experience and confidence. Master Owe is not really into it, although he has the experience as a sub. I do like it, if I am in the mood. Well, today I was. I am glad (?), happy(?), that Per is allowed to play with me. Master has never asked and I have never volunteered what we do. After the first time I thought I should tell him, and he said that he does not want to know. Master Owe, when he was a slave, participated in a lot of play parties; we have never done anything. Except that time in February when he was incapacitated. In Canada we went to parties quite a lot. Sometimes as a family, sometimes just Robert and me. Sometimes he went with Eric. I always liked that, it is good to feel the different energy. But I always knew who my Master was and it was usually discussed before what was allowed and what was taboo. So Per having free reign is unusual. Except sex is a “no”. Master is very definite about that. But I like that. I like being his. After being the bottom of the family unit, it is nice to be owned by just one person.

I digress. We did some play with clamps. My poor nipples! Having them pierced of course makes them more sensitive. The belt stayed on. Sometimes when I see CBT, I wonder what it is like. When I had balls, they got played with, and we tried CBT, but it was just uncomfortable. After the operation I was very numb for a very long time; or it was painful. It is finally getting to a level where I can get aroused and enjoy being touched and caressed around that area. The scar there has healed nicely and one can hardly see it. My surgeon was truly accomplished. Well, it took us long enough to find someone I trusted to do the operation! Sometimes I think I regret having had the balls removed. They had suggested to put a prosthesis in instead. As I said, I thought about it all for a long time. I am happy with the decision I made. Sometimes the attention I get is annoying, or people think I am transgender. I talked to a few trans gender people about it before the operation, about the body image and the response they get. But I think it was different for me, emotionally. In the end it had to be my decision. Master Owe and me have never talked about it. He knew about my physical situation. It is not a turn on for him, and he would accept me with balls as well. He enjoys my vagina, but if it was not there, it would be fine as well. So we are good. I am good. This is who I am.

I even think, as Owe has not experienced me before, it is better like this. Robert and Barbara and Erik were great, but it was also a huge demand on them. It influenced our life for years after.

Owe and I are finally settling down, and soon he will upset everything again by going back to work. But that is – I hope- my problem. It must not affect him, I know he is kind of worried about it. It will be a time of adjustment, of course. For both of us. But he should not have to worry about me!

I am up and down at the moment, the dreams at the weekend quite shook me. The last 2 nights and days I was perfectly fine. Owe was in a very good mood today, he likes having things to do. He had a meeting at the club, they wanted to discuss some plans for the summer. I like the ideas. It would be nice to make it happen this year, but if not, then it should be ok. I think we should not rush it.

Wow, I have written quite a bit. And such deep stuff.

Still snowed in

What is going on? Is it full moon? I had another bad dream last night. I dreamt that mum was here and everything was going wrong. I spoke Swedish and she only English and we could not understand each other. We kept missing our clues and it was bad. As if we were strangers in the same house, but could not see each other. This time I told Owe about it. He listened to me. That was enough. He did not try to analyse it, which was good. And unusal.I am going to write a list, the things I want to do with mum, the sight seeing, and also some topics I want to talk to her about. But I do not want to force it. It is supposed to be a positive experience for her. Owe thinks it is a good idea to have me structure and plan the visit. Of course it all depends on her, and the weather, and …

We had fun today, it was a little sunny and we played in the garden. We built a snowman, it is down by the shore. That way the birds do not get scared of it when they come to feed on our terrace. We even had a snowball fight. At one point Owe had me in the snow and we were there kissing for some time, until I mentioned I am getting cold. I like kissing him. I was getting hard. Shame we were outside! I enjoyed the feeling of getting hard in my belt. To be honest, sometimes I try to stimulate myself with my plug, to get that feeling. Then I know what it is there for. Of course I should not do that. My sexual pleasure is for Master to determine. But I never get far anyway.

Master and I went to take the dogs out again, this time they were quite happy to come out. Our neighbor thinks she will be ok to do it this afternoon.

A quiet but busy sunday

I had a bad dream last night. I cannot remember it, it is better this way. It was about mum and dad and me leaving, and Robert was there as well. It was very confusing and I woke up crying. Sometimes crying can be cathartic, this time it made it worse. I almost did not want to go back to sleep. I considered to go and sleep in Owe's room, but I did not want to have to explain in the morning. Yesterday was bad enough with him having to rescue me from my OCD. I have to get a grip onto this, first that experience in the cage, now this dream. I am trying to figure out if something has happened to trigger this. I cannot think of anything. Master and me are in a very good place. Otherwise I am good. Mum is looking forward to come. She contacted us last week, she had received her passport. I can hear Master getting up, better get breakfast on.

Master did not mind that I did not wake him, I guess we had enough sex yesterday. We re-arranged to meet Per and Lasse in town, there is a good restaurant just in the next street, home style cooking.

We had a good time. One just needs the correct clothing and good boots. Many people actually take indoor shoes with them if they visit friends or to go to work. Most families have slippers for visitors available. One can get a very iconic style slipper here, I had sent some to BandE my first winter here. Yesterday Owe had checked on an elderly lady a few houses down and taken her dogs out for her, we took them out again in the afternoon. The dogs are some toy breed and were reluctant to go out. What were they going to do, shit on the carpet? I went again this afternoon. I definitely want something bigger when we get a dog. Owe made a comment, what a strain it is to have to walk a dog in all weathers. I do not mind, yes, sometimes it is not nice, but then the dog does not want to be out long as well. We have a had a quiet day at home, Master has taken a break from studying, but I have done some homework today.

Snow screws with me mentally

It snowed last night, lots. I woke up as usual. I got myself a drink, and of course it was still dark. I did yoga and got dressed. I started to lay the breakfast table and pulled the curtains open, what a surprise! I wanted to get the paper and could not open the door! Here in Sweden a lot of doors open outwards, even for the flat. Strange. It is supposed to help keep the dirt and snow out from the shoes, one can open the door and take shoes off and step onto carpet. Anyway, I thought, nice, being snowed in, we can have some fun! Master was still asleep. I woke him up gently. I dared to climb onto the bed and wake him from there, not like usual kneeling on the floor. He was fine with me doing that. I started to touch him and caress him. Yes, I wanted sex! I had not been fucked in a while! He had blow jobs; I was really horny. Master went with me, he made me come. When we got up Master immediately phoned Per to see if everything was ok at the Townhouse, Then he phoned his aunt. I had made final breakfast preparations and was cleaning up. I did not notice that I was cleaning the sink although it was already clean. Owe's voice was like the teacher in the Peanuts cartoons, Blablabla. He put his arms around me from behind tightly and had to pull me off the sink.

Slowly I came back into reality. Owe talked to me. He told me to concentrate on my breathing and on feeling my feet on the floor. It worked. I do not know what had come over me.

We had breakfast. I had put a bit of food out for the birds before I went to wake Master and the birds had found it. Owe could not remember hardly any of the birds names in Swedish. I was surprised by myself, I remembered quite a few. Some birds we do not have in the States. As a young boy I was quite into birds. After breakfast Master went out to shovel the snow away from the house and clear the path. The road had not been cleared yet. I kept busy tidying up. I dusted the shelves, having the fire on creates quite some dust. Master had a shower when he came back in, clearing snow had made him warm. He called me into the play room and put me over the bench. This time he enjoyed himself, I was just his vessel. Fine, that's what I'm here for. I had had my fun this morning. No, I enjoyed it, too. By now it was lunch time and I cooked us something. Martin phoned, Kristoffer had reported the snow had been bad there as well, he could not get the gate open. So the club had to stay closed. Master said it is unusual for Stockholm to not be able to cope. Later we could hear a snow plough coming down the street, and the paper got delivered.

After lunch Master put me into the cage in the playroom, while he did some work in the office. He used the restraints. Mmh. I was quite in the zone and relaxed, when all these memories of Lizzie popped into my head. I tried to switch off to that, but images kept coming into my mind. So I concentrated to look at a point in the room, but could not switch off! It was quite disturbing actually.

I thought maybe if I could have a cry it would help, but I was not able to. I was quite glad when Master came to release me. I did not tell him about my experience, he has enough going on himself. I am afraid that I might loose control big time. I have experienced that once before, it was a tough time for all of us. We just did not know how to handle it. We did seek out professional help then, through some friends. They said we had to ride it out, medication would take a while to kick in, and can sometimes just prolong it. It was actually a few weeks after I learned of Lizzies' death. I guess it just hit me then. Although I sometimes feel that I have not accepted it yet. I often think, Oh, I must tell Lizzie about this, and then I remember. It is not fair. Going to her grave helped, actually. Like, with Master Robert's memorial service. The finality of it, I only realized it in that conference room. But it was easier to accept. It was ok with him. Lizzie was too young. And her baby! Well, enough brooding. I guess it is the darkness. Come on spring, the calendar says it is spring!

We have had some dinner, Master is reading the paper. I better stop now, I am thinking too much.

A busy day with housework and stuff - are you really interested?

I am going to bed early today, I had a busy day! I went to the gym with Master quite early. He told me yesterday to have my hair cut, so I went to the barber near the flat afterwards. I came home, had a snack and smoothie and then took Django out. Our new neighbors were at the house, we introduced ourselves. They seemed nice, they want to retire here. Then I had yoga. I came home and then left again to go shopping. I was not able to do it all, with my yoga gear as well in tow. The forecast is for snow, so I made sure we have a nice selection of food in the house. And I had to shop for Sunday lunch, we are expecting P/L. I kept busy with some house work, I polished the gear we used recently. It helps to use leather soap and keep it flexible. I had the fire on, I managed to get it going with all the little bits that I had swept up. I even listened to some music, and it was ok to be in the living room. I was so absorbed I did not notice Master come home until he was in the living room. He jokingly said we could have been burgled, I would not have noticed. I made him some tea, he was tired. We had a short catch up, but I could not stop yawning, so he suggested I go to bed, he will not stay up long either.

Master being masterly

Ah, another eventful day and Master being Masterly. I let him sleep this morning, but left breakfast for him ready. He had another shift at the health centre, this time all day with a 3 hour break. I had prepared him some food to take with him yesterday. I stayed in town after class and then went to yoga. Some of the girls spontaneously decided to go to the cinema and they pestered me to come with them. I thought why not, I would have been on my own at home anyway. I phoned Master, he was still on his break. He was happy for me to go, but was all: what about food, what time will the film finish, take a taxi home, I do not want you travel on your own in the dark! One of my friends asked me if he was serious, treating me like a kid. I thought he had been over the top as well, but that is so like him. Especially at the moment. Well, at least he had absolutely no problem with me going out, he was pleased for me and encouraged me. Just I had to stick to his rules. I explained to the women over a meal our set-up. They asked a few questions and then just said: if that is your thing, good for you. Privately they probably think something else, but it does not matter to me. After the film ( a Hollywood love you, hate you, happy end story) we went for a drink. It was still early. I only had a soft drink, they tried to trick me, but I could taste the vodka and was not pleased. I explained, and again it was a bit “you cannot be serious”, but they accepted it and apologised. I came home just after Master. We had a cup of tea together. It was nice to sit with him and talk. I did not tell him about the drink. It is sorted, it will never happen again. He can get quite upset by things like that. Alcohol is a tricky subject with him. He does drink a little, but only socially and NEVER gets even tipsy. He drinks a beer or glass of wine because he enjoys the taste, not for the alcohol.

Bondage and then OCD took over

It is late, but I want to write my diary. It has kind of been an eventful day. I woke up Master and he immediately got up, so no sex this morning! We had breakfast together and the sun was shining so we thought we better make the most of it and went for a walk. I had to clean myself. Sometimes I find it annoying and it is hard, as I have to plan my life kind of around it. I guess I could use bags and then it would be easier, but I was never comfortable with bags. I always felt them and thought people will be able to notice it, even through loose clothing. After I had showered Master called me into the living room and he had gear laid out ready by the post. It was kind of fun when he put me into it. He told me how he wanted me and I was locked and gagged for about an hour. He cooked lunch and used lots of bowls and utensils and made a mess. He did it on purpose. I did get a bit anxious, I could not help it. Master released me in time for lunch and then I cleaned up. He had to leave for a shift quite soon. As he left the wood arrived. They just tip into the drive. I tried to ignore it, but then I thought I make a start at least to stack it in the garage. I stopped and went inside several times, to go to the toilet or get a drink. I always told myself, I can leave the rest. But then I was restless, knowing it was out there and would get wet or might even get stolen. So I did the whole stack. When it was finally done, I was done in. I felt sick. I felt a bit dizzy and for 10minutes or so I was really all over the place. I called Per. He suggested they can come over, which I gladly accepted. He told me to go and lie down. They have a key so they just let themselves in. I was in my room, having a lie down. Per came and checked on me. I was feeling much better so got up and we had a drink, I had my shake. Later we played cards. They just love playing cards! We were so engrossed in it we were still playing when Master came home. I confessed about me stacking all the wood and having been unwell. He was not pleased but he did not tell me off, either. He just said: Well, I guess you learned your lesson! He invited P/L for lunch on Sunday. I am going to bed now. I fell asleep this afternoon, only for 20 minutes or so, but now I am not tired! Sore, though.