Snow screws with me mentally

It snowed last night, lots. I woke up as usual. I got myself a drink, and of course it was still dark. I did yoga and got dressed. I started to lay the breakfast table and pulled the curtains open, what a surprise! I wanted to get the paper and could not open the door! Here in Sweden a lot of doors open outwards, even for the flat. Strange. It is supposed to help keep the dirt and snow out from the shoes, one can open the door and take shoes off and step onto carpet. Anyway, I thought, nice, being snowed in, we can have some fun! Master was still asleep. I woke him up gently. I dared to climb onto the bed and wake him from there, not like usual kneeling on the floor. He was fine with me doing that. I started to touch him and caress him. Yes, I wanted sex! I had not been fucked in a while! He had blow jobs; I was really horny. Master went with me, he made me come. When we got up Master immediately phoned Per to see if everything was ok at the Townhouse, Then he phoned his aunt. I had made final breakfast preparations and was cleaning up. I did not notice that I was cleaning the sink although it was already clean. Owe's voice was like the teacher in the Peanuts cartoons, Blablabla. He put his arms around me from behind tightly and had to pull me off the sink.

Slowly I came back into reality. Owe talked to me. He told me to concentrate on my breathing and on feeling my feet on the floor. It worked. I do not know what had come over me.

We had breakfast. I had put a bit of food out for the birds before I went to wake Master and the birds had found it. Owe could not remember hardly any of the birds names in Swedish. I was surprised by myself, I remembered quite a few. Some birds we do not have in the States. As a young boy I was quite into birds. After breakfast Master went out to shovel the snow away from the house and clear the path. The road had not been cleared yet. I kept busy tidying up. I dusted the shelves, having the fire on creates quite some dust. Master had a shower when he came back in, clearing snow had made him warm. He called me into the play room and put me over the bench. This time he enjoyed himself, I was just his vessel. Fine, that's what I'm here for. I had had my fun this morning. No, I enjoyed it, too. By now it was lunch time and I cooked us something. Martin phoned, Kristoffer had reported the snow had been bad there as well, he could not get the gate open. So the club had to stay closed. Master said it is unusual for Stockholm to not be able to cope. Later we could hear a snow plough coming down the street, and the paper got delivered.

After lunch Master put me into the cage in the playroom, while he did some work in the office. He used the restraints. Mmh. I was quite in the zone and relaxed, when all these memories of Lizzie popped into my head. I tried to switch off to that, but images kept coming into my mind. So I concentrated to look at a point in the room, but could not switch off! It was quite disturbing actually.

I thought maybe if I could have a cry it would help, but I was not able to. I was quite glad when Master came to release me. I did not tell him about my experience, he has enough going on himself. I am afraid that I might loose control big time. I have experienced that once before, it was a tough time for all of us. We just did not know how to handle it. We did seek out professional help then, through some friends. They said we had to ride it out, medication would take a while to kick in, and can sometimes just prolong it. It was actually a few weeks after I learned of Lizzies' death. I guess it just hit me then. Although I sometimes feel that I have not accepted it yet. I often think, Oh, I must tell Lizzie about this, and then I remember. It is not fair. Going to her grave helped, actually. Like, with Master Robert's memorial service. The finality of it, I only realized it in that conference room. But it was easier to accept. It was ok with him. Lizzie was too young. And her baby! Well, enough brooding. I guess it is the darkness. Come on spring, the calendar says it is spring!

We have had some dinner, Master is reading the paper. I better stop now, I am thinking too much.