Dealing with my mind

I did not sleep well. I kept going over what I had talked with the counsellor about. My brain would not switch off. As a child it sometimes happened to me, if I had a stressful time at home. My mother is not aware how my brothers sometimes treated me. They often got quite physical with me, and I was not strong enough to do anything. I think if I had been able to fight back, it would have been better. They teased me anyway, but when we were alone, it was bad. Where does this cruelty in kids come from? After such days I was often in bed and replayed it. I guess it was how my brain dealt with it. I tried to switch it off. I learned to recite stuff. I had my torch and science books and studied. If I concentrated very hard, I was able to switch off the memories and “replace” it with facts.

That is what I did last night. I got my dictionary and conjugated verbs. I woke up this morning still with the light on and the dictionary open on the floor. I woke up Master but I was not in the mood. He invited me into bed and we just lay together for a while. That was nice. He knew I had a bad night, but did not bring it up. He just held me. It must be very hard on him, too. I suggested if we can invite Ingrid for lunch, and a session. Master said yes. I phoned her and explained, and she agreed to come. This woman is a saint. I did some homework before she arrived. Master agreed to cook. I took Django for a walk, that was nice. He was a bit out of himself, too. Maybe it is all the tests that they are doing. They have ruled out a brain tumor.

We had a good lunch and then Ingrid and I went to my room for a talk. She managed to not only make me see reason, but to convince myself. For now. The thing is, I know it is happening. I know it is stupid, but I cannot help it. I guess that is what mental illness is, to a degree. Blessed those who are so far gone they do not know. I am not there, far not, but I can understand suicide. Or taking drugs. Or drinking. Just switch off, for 2 hours. Just bloody be quiet, you thoughts!

I asked Ingrid about how up to date she is with medication. She discouraged me. If, then she definitely wants me to see a psychiatrist and get me properly diagnosed and onto a good regime. She warned me that medication takes a few weeks to make a difference, and it can have an adverse effect. It offers relieve for a short time, and then to come off it, can be really bad. She reckoned it is a period I am going through, and I have to give it a bit more time. I see her point. I know it is not a quick fix. I have seen people on drugs. I mean illegal stuff, like coke and Meth. But I am struggling.

I tried smoking a few times, and brownies, as a teenager. It just made me sick, meaning throwing up. Maybe it has affected me?

So, I am writing this just after Ingrid and I talked. I had a short meditation, but realised I could not get into it. Write my diary. Does it help? No. It just makes me think about it, it goes round in my head. Give me a drink!

It is later today, I dared to read what I wrote earlier today. I am in a mess, aren't I? I cried. That was good. It was a quiet cry. Feeling sorry for myself. But it felt good. I came back into the living room, Owe was there, reading. I made myself a drink, I made him one. He had cleaned up nicely after lunch, the dishwasher was on. He did not ask me, and I did not offer. There was a bit of an atmosphere. But sometimes I have to deal with it on my own. Only I am in my head. I sat with him and I lay down on the sofa, with my head in his lap. That was nice. He likes playing with my hair, I really like that. He read and stroked me. I was totally relaxed and for once I had a blank mind!

I must have dropped off, I kind of got bolted back to reality when he got up. Bless him, he had been holding it in to not disturb me! It was nearly time to make dinner anyway. I felt good. Master suggested I should not be alone when he is at work, so we made some phone calls and I have “play dates”. Non sexual ones. Or we will see, I will spend tomorrow with Per and Lasse.