A busy day for me

I have a bit of time after my communal meal and before meditation group starts. We had a lovely meal and everyone was talking about their weekend in the snow. Now I am enjoying being on my own and be able to take some time to write my diary. Yesterday evening Master took me into the playroom and he tried some rope suspension bondage. At first it was not so good, he did not get the position quite right. Once we had it sussed, by using some leather restraints and putting the rope through some d-rings, it was comfortable for me and I hung there for what Master said was nearly an hour. I had gotten into the headspace and it was really fun. From time to time I managed to get myself to swing and sometimes Master did it. He stayed with me the whole time. But basically was just there for security. I am sure he had as much enjoyment watching me hang there as I had. He took me down rather abruptly, I had to adjust myself and come back to earth rather quickly. He tends to do that, so I am getting used to that. It was a good session and I am grateful. He did not do it for me, but we both got something out of it.

Today was normal, the snow is not a problem, although walking along a pavement can be tricky as the sides are piled high with snow.

Today Master had lots of appointments so I spent the day with Lasse and Per. They needed some help with their caretaker jobs, they find it is getting quite tiring for them. I also checked on the flat and dusted and vacuumed. It is so strange to be there. It almost does not feel as I ever lived there. For one, so much furniture has changed. I guess it is good. I really liked it there when I first came to live with Owe, now I prefer being at the house. We kind of have made that so much our home, with all the work we had done. Lasse cooked us a very nice lunch, reindeer heart. It is very lean meat, being pure muscle. He comes from a poor country family and he likes plain food.

Afterwards we played a little. With Per I can do pain stuff. He has the experience and confidence. Master Owe is not really into it, although he has the experience as a sub. I do like it, if I am in the mood. Well, today I was. I am glad (?), happy(?), that Per is allowed to play with me. Master has never asked and I have never volunteered what we do. After the first time I thought I should tell him, and he said that he does not want to know. Master Owe, when he was a slave, participated in a lot of play parties; we have never done anything. Except that time in February when he was incapacitated. In Canada we went to parties quite a lot. Sometimes as a family, sometimes just Robert and me. Sometimes he went with Eric. I always liked that, it is good to feel the different energy. But I always knew who my Master was and it was usually discussed before what was allowed and what was taboo. So Per having free reign is unusual. Except sex is a “no”. Master is very definite about that. But I like that. I like being his. After being the bottom of the family unit, it is nice to be owned by just one person.

I digress. We did some play with clamps. My poor nipples! Having them pierced of course makes them more sensitive. The belt stayed on. Sometimes when I see CBT, I wonder what it is like. When I had balls, they got played with, and we tried CBT, but it was just uncomfortable. After the operation I was very numb for a very long time; or it was painful. It is finally getting to a level where I can get aroused and enjoy being touched and caressed around that area. The scar there has healed nicely and one can hardly see it. My surgeon was truly accomplished. Well, it took us long enough to find someone I trusted to do the operation! Sometimes I think I regret having had the balls removed. They had suggested to put a prosthesis in instead. As I said, I thought about it all for a long time. I am happy with the decision I made. Sometimes the attention I get is annoying, or people think I am transgender. I talked to a few trans gender people about it before the operation, about the body image and the response they get. But I think it was different for me, emotionally. In the end it had to be my decision. Master Owe and me have never talked about it. He knew about my physical situation. It is not a turn on for him, and he would accept me with balls as well. He enjoys my vagina, but if it was not there, it would be fine as well. So we are good. I am good. This is who I am.

I even think, as Owe has not experienced me before, it is better like this. Robert and Barbara and Erik were great, but it was also a huge demand on them. It influenced our life for years after.

Owe and I are finally settling down, and soon he will upset everything again by going back to work. But that is – I hope- my problem. It must not affect him, I know he is kind of worried about it. It will be a time of adjustment, of course. For both of us. But he should not have to worry about me!

I am up and down at the moment, the dreams at the weekend quite shook me. The last 2 nights and days I was perfectly fine. Owe was in a very good mood today, he likes having things to do. He had a meeting at the club, they wanted to discuss some plans for the summer. I like the ideas. It would be nice to make it happen this year, but if not, then it should be ok. I think we should not rush it.

Wow, I have written quite a bit. And such deep stuff.