Enough

Oh, another day with me! Sometimes I want to switch off. Be normal. Whatever normal is. I really had fun last evening. I am grateful for Owe not making an issue. For distracting me. He got up with me this morning. He had a lecture and sat in on 2 lectures. And he has 2 more shifts at the end of the week. I had a packed lunch and then went to yoga. We had a good banter in the kitchen. At dinner we were talking about Easter, and I mentioned that my Mum will be arriving next Tuesday, we will not come. Suddenly I felt this weight on me. I got what could be described as a panic attack.

I thought I was ok after my last meltdown. After making that list. I guess knowing it was only a week away. It was suddenly real. I am so nervous about her coming. I want her to be here so badly. I want us to be ok. I want her to ...forgive herself and understand that I am happy.

I cannot pin down what I feel, why I am anxious, what I am anxious about. She has been open and understanding, much more than I would ever have expected her to be. I mean, my life is soo different. Not only from what my family had expected for me, or what I had expected for me, but society as well. I guess Ruth is nervous as well. We will just have to take each day as it comes.

I had a talk with the Center manager, he has counselled me before. It is good to be able to talk to someone else. Owe must not be the one to carry me all the time.

I told him about it once he arrived for meditation. He was upset, concerned. I do not want to burden him. He has enough on his plate! Truly, I am sorry. But I guess he knew what he took on. Barbara had told him everything about me. Still. This is my problem. We managed to enjoy the session. I saw him talk to the manager, who of course could not tell him anything about our session. Owe does take it on too much. He thinks I am more vulnerable than I am. I have tried to tell him that before. But I guess he is just such a caring personality. One thing is, we have spent too much time together. I am glad he is starting work again. He needs to be with his peers. Enough. Enough.